Today I sit at Starbucks with the rest of my teammates. Today we were able to just be and use the internet and such. I’ve looked at my blog postings since I’ve left the states. I noticed many of them haven’t been looked at near as much as the ones before I left have been. Today I’ve been thinking of why that is.
I looked over my blogs and noticed a drastic difference in the ones current verses the old ones. I realized I’ve just been writing a story. Something easy to put out there. Though I trust the Lord to move in those, I so much avoided putting my heart into them. I neglected to put how I was affected by the story. I didn’t put how the Lord spoke to me…a lot. Or how my team has been so faithful to step when the Lord asked. Or how much I love my team and I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else than here. Or how some days it’s just been difficult to be away from friends and family knowing their lives still continue and I don’t get to be as involved as I want to be. I’ve been so caught up in portraying such a great story that I disconnected myself from the equation.
So let’s start with now…
Our ministry thus far in Malaysia has been random. We went to a tribal village, a huge mall with the biggest statue of a lion I’ve ever seen, three different churches to speak to youth, a wedding we weren’t even invited to, and of course the King’s palace where we got the guards to come take pictures with us. As fun as those things have been my heart has been longing for so much more. I realize I may be in some culture shock. I also realized that I come from a land where when people come for a mission, the mission is planned out. That there is a purpose for them and it will be basically defined. Here its not like that. Malaysia is pretty backwards compared to my western thinking. Here, everywhere I turn I hear ‘accept the blessing…we want to bless you.’ That feeling of not deserving the blessing wells up; mostly because I haven’t done anything to earn it or deserve it. Does this make sense? So what the Lord has began wreck is my way of thinking. My view of what I think my rights are. My view of what I deserve. Heck, even my pride is being brought to light because I think I could have done things better.
Now I sit in my bunk at an orphanage. I look around my room and I see a group of tired and maybe confused women. We asked for ministry, now we have it and we are so exhausted we can’t see straight. One would think being around kids would excite us a bit more. For me its done the opposite. I know I seem ungrateful. It seems I don’t deserve to be here. How is it I find myself here then?
In the midst of my mess I know and believe what I’m called to do. I can stand firm in knowing the God is working in and through my mess. I know God is still relentlessly pursuing me.
