"Lord, use this week. Draw near to me. Calm my fears. Give me wisdom and guidance. Break me. Mold me. Hold me. " (an prayer out of my journal
May 18th 2013)
I am speechless.
For those that know me, will know that finding me speechless, is a rare thing-as I ALWAYS have something to say (whether I actually DO say it or not, is another story).
BUT TRAINING CAMP HAS LEFT ME SPEECHLESS IN A WAY I WAS NOT EXPECTING
What actually happens at training camp, is a well kept secret (for a variety of reasons) among alumni and staff alike. (Thank you Jenni for NOT actually telling me what it may consist of!) To be totally honest, for this reason alone of NOT knowing what was 'going to happen' freaked me out more than actually preparing (and going) on the race. International missions? Easy for me in the sense that I have 'done it before' but heading down to Atlanta for a week of 'who knows what', with 50+ people who I had never met before in person, sleeping in tents (on the few nights we were allowed them!), have Truth spoken into my life by complete strangers, eating strange food (Praise GOD the food was actually really good!), and not knowing HOW God would 'show up' but still knowing He WOULD 'show up'; was completely out of my comfort zone and it truthfully, scared me.
Yes. Training Camp scared me. Period.
But God quickly reminded me of just how faithful HE is. He reminded me of His AMAZING Love for me through Shelby (and the rest of the Thayer family) where I, (along with about 20 other World Racers) stayed with the first and second night PRIOR to Training camp. I remember telling someone who was there that "lets just skip training camp and hang out here all week! No one will notice us not there!' Shelby-you have no idea how greatly you and your family, has impacted my life just by opening up your home! Thank you so much! As we were getting ready in our respective squad colours (GO BLUE) that morning to head to camp- I caught myself looking around and already falling in love with the people around me (those ON my squad and those not). THIS was ALREADY family to me and I experienced a joy and excitement in my heart that I was only really expecting to experience a few months into the field. With a renewed joy and love in my heart- I realized I was as "ready as I could be' for what laid ahead and I knew God would carry me through.
To be honest-the first hours (and days) were sort of a blur of emotions, events and people. However, the fear in my heart was NOT a blur and I remember it clearly. The first night in my tent- I remember lying on my mat and looking up and being instantly hit with this panic and doubt about my decision to go on the World Race. "For real God? Can I really do this? Are you REALLY going to walk through this with me?" where just a few of the fears, thoughts and doubts going through my mind.
Fast forward to Monday-May 20 to where the speaker was talking about the Holy Spirit. I will be honest-at this point I was a MAJOR skeptic on actually hearing the Holy Spirit speak. I had the 'head knowledge' but I didn't have the 'heart knowledge' Boy was I in for a surprise…as people where lifting their hands in praise and openness to God around me, I felt myself closing in. I felt lost. Confused and simply-just wanting to run. I wanted to run from God. I felt myself losing control and it scared me. Everything about the race 'hit' me and I was scared.
UNTIL I felt a hand on my right shoulder behind me and I heard the words, "Nikki, Give GOD your fears, give GOD your doubt. HE is big enough. HE is strong enough. HE is powerful enough. Give HIM control"
BOOM
GOD ROCKED my little Mennonite world!!
The cool thing is, that after that-training camp became something to me that I did NOT expect it to. It became a place where, not only did I meet my amazing squad of world changers who are now family, but God LITERALLY spoke to (and through) me, through the Holy Spirit, to lift up and encourage a fellow squad mate. Not only did He do that, but HE also used two specific squad mates to speak amazing truth into MY life (another blog for another day) without them even knowing it-even in their own skeptism as well. Isn't God just amazing?!?!?
God literally changed my life at training camp. To what full extent, I am still learning. However, what I DO know is that the fear that consumed me going into camp (and the race), is gone. Instead, God has been just showering me in HIS LOVE. Speaking words of love, affirmation and encouragement to me each and every day. The amount of blessings He has been pouring into my life since I have been home, words cannot explain. He is continually building my faith and trust in Him. His 'means' of showing me this, varies from day to day and moment by moment-but its CONSTANCE. It never ending. Its overwhelming me, its making me fall more and more in love with my Creator and its leaving me
SPEECHLESS
