Losing my mom to cancer 2 weeks ago, took a toll on my life, and I never thought anything could hurt as bad as this feeling. I started to question if I was even supposed to go on the World Race, if this was still in God’s plan. I mean how could I leave my family in such a time as this?
I needed something to take away this pain, something to shoot this confusion and doubt back, I’m supposed to travel the world right? That’s what I have been called to do, so why would God change His plan for me? He didn’t.
Sunday morning was very gloomy. After church God asked me to take a walk with Him. No cell phone, no dogs, nothing just to go on a hiker’s trail, and walk with God. I have missed him, so I thought to myself “What could it hurt. “
I drove to a small hiker’s trial called Towner’s woods, and found a quiet bunch that was the only one lite with sunlight on this cold raining day. It was there I would find God, and it was there He would tell me how much He loved me. It was there I spent 3 hours reading my bible, and falling in love with the man that gave His life to me.
I wrote pages of scriptures down, over and over again about love; the love of God, the love through marriage, the love of relationships, the love that cures all things. He showed me the verse in
Proverbs: 3:3-4 “ Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. 4 Then you will win favor and a good name in the sight of God and man.”
I wrote a list of everything I needed to face before I went on the World Race, here’s my list; LOVE, GRIEF, REJECTION, && HAPPINESS.
The first on the list is love, because I have always needed love from another source other than God, as if His love were not enough. I have found that the devil can’t even hate me, as much as God loves me. It is only than that I allowed myself to be open to God’s love again, and my soul became healed.
Song of Solomon 8:6 “ Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm, for love is a strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave, it burns like a blazing fire.”
What a reassurance that God has me even when the devil tries to tell me He doesn’t. Once I began to chew on the fact that I could never understand that God loves me more than I will ever know, I found my peace again. It’s pretty amazing that the whole time, a fly was buzzing around me trying to distract me, and get me off my course of prayer, and meditation on hearing God’s voice. This relates to my life, because I believe Satan uses anything in my life to distract me from my purpose. Just like my mom getting cancer, had set me off my goal to have almost everything prepared for my trip.
The thing about faith is that you keep moving, you keep pressing forward, and I no longer want to be in pain or confusion about my life. I know what I’m supposed to do, and if it means I have to lose everything to gain God, I’m willing to do that. After losing my mom to such a rapid disease, and shocking death there is nothing more I can lose. I have my faith, I have this trip, and that’s good enough for me, but most importantly I have Jesus.
Walking back to my car after a restoration of my soul, God asked me to marry Him. I started to giggle at the thought, but then he elaborated His question. He asked if I would spend all of my time with Him, if I would devote my heart to Him and no one else, He asked if I would take His hand and follow Him anywhere just like a married couple would embark on, He asked if I would be His bride and if I would let Him take care of me, and protect for all the rest of my days. This wasn’t a salvation question (trust me I believe in Jesus), this wasn’t a question about my faith in God; this was a question to gain a new, intimate relationship with Him. Realizing I had nothing to offer Him, I gave Him my heart, and said “Yes”. Realizing He had everything to give me, He gave me His life. I twirled through the trial and accepted this offer from the Highest King.
My heart is taken.
