Fundraising is not glamorous or fun to write about, but I want to share with you about my progress so far.
To be honest, every time I sit down and try to work on fundraising I have a bit of a panic attack. And also, all my biggest insecurities come up. I’m not good enough to do this. Nobody cares about me or what I’m doing. I’m just a failure. It’s not pretty, I know. I’m just being real.
Sunday night it was the worst it’s ever been. I was looking at the progress of the other people going on my trip and realizing that in comparison I am really behind… or at least, it appears that way. So the guilt started setting in along with the doubts. Maybe I’m not cut out for this. Maybe I should just quit. I don’t have what it takes.
During this process, I’ve also been experiencing this huge sense of loneliness. It’s hard for me to explain exactly why, but I’ll try. I think it’s because I just feel incredibly alone in fundraising and preparing in general for the World Race. And really, I am alone, simply because it’s all on me to reach out to people and share my passion and mission with them and ask for support. No one’s holding my hand, walking me through this totally new and uncomfortable experience. And in September when I get on the plane and fly to Asia, it will be just me and an airplane full of strangers.
In order to ease all of the anxiety that I have been experiencing lately, last night I reached out to my squad-mate Laura. My squad is the group of people I’ll be traveling with throughout the Race, and Laura is one of those people who I am already friends with on Facebook. We talked on the phone for a good hour about all of our worries and struggles and questions surrounding the World Race and the preparation for it. It made me so excited and eager to meet her and all the rest of the people I will be serving with starting in September. It also helped me feel encouraged in this process that I’m not the only one with fears and insecurities.
During this conversation with Laura I also realized this- most of my anxiety comes when I’m trying to make it all about me. I’m subconsciously trying to measure my self-worth by how willing people are to support my mission trip. Secretly, I’ve been believing that the purpose of this trip is just for me to prove to myself and others that I can do it. If I raise the money and get to serve in Asia for 11 months, then I’ll know I’m someone worthy of love. Yikes. If this isn’t evidence of insecurity, pride, and selfishness, then I don’t know what is.
The good news is, the Lord is not surprised or deterred by my or your shortcomings. He wants to use us anyway. In my prayers to God when I’m expressing how inadequate I am to do this mission trip, I’m reminded of Moses in Exodus who, after the Lord told him that he was to lead the Israelites out of Egypt, responded by saying (basically), “Why me? I’m not good enough. Isn’t there someone else more qualified for this?” It’s almost humorous, because what is there to fear when our sovereign God is in control? Easier said than done, trust me, I know. It has little to do with our own abilities (or lack thereof) and everything to do with trusting and being obedient.
In summary, preparing for the World Race is teaching me how to really trust God and stop believing that my own inadequacies trump God’s sovereignty. Not only this, but I’m learning that ultimately this mission trip is not about me- it’s about serving people, loving people, and telling them about Jesus. Sure, I’m going to continue to grow and learn and deepen my relationship with the Lord throughout this process, but if my focus is more on my own personal “successes” rather than leading others to Christ then my heart is not in the right place. Truly, truly, this realization is humbling and freeing.
If you’re interesting in supporting me, I’d love for you to pray for me that I can continue to prepare spiritually, financially, and physically (the Race is no walk in the park!). Also, my goal is to reach $1000 by the end of February. Would you consider partnering with me in this journey?
