Hin, Thailand wrapping up debrief. My head has been swimming for a few
days now and God is really moving. Allow me to back up a bit. When I
was in Uganda in January I felt God calling me to fast from makeup for
the month. For those who know me, this is a huge deal. I love makeup
and I am insecure without it. I’ll confess, it was insanely hard some
days, others fantastic. Prior to the fast I think the longest I’ve gone
without makeup was 3 days, even on The Race. It became a part of my
identity. 30 days without an ounce of makeup on my face helped me find
myself a bit.
It comes as no surprise growing up I dreamed of princes and princesses.
For Halloween one year my mom handcrafted me a killer Ariel costumes.
Ariel was the ultimate Disney princess in my eyes, royalty of the sea
and land. I vividly remember my get up; who could forget that perfect
shimmering aqueous fin? A number of years have passed since that
Halloween. But the dreams of princess status have remained in various
capacities. Many women can substantiate these feelings.
I’ve battled my share of insecurities since my mermaid days. It led to
self-hatred, jealousy, and some pretty stupid decisions. I assumed I’d
ultimately grow out of it. Sure I’d pray about it sometimes or devour
some Christian self-help book to temporarily seek solace over my
identity. They told me God thought I was beautiful on the inside and
that’s all the mattered. The ‘solutions’ these books offered seemed a
nice facade to the real issue. Putting on a Band-Aid only offers
protection for so long. Sooner or later the world rips the Band-Aid
off, despite efforts to combat it.
I didn’t feel like hearing about the qualities a woman of God
possessed. How would reading about becoming a Proverbs 31 woman help
when I longed to be a Song of Songs woman? Reading Song of Songs you
see a woman who is desired by a man, sought after, and beautiful.
The Race has taken its toll on me physically; I’ve added 18 pounds to
my 5’2″ frame. Not exactly a self esteem boost. Words of people back
home haunted me; comments on how thin I’d get this year from traveling.
I struggled even more with my identity. My heart was disconcerted and I
prayed vigorously for God to do something. Show me my worth. Africa
continued to strip me of all familiarity with myself. It was a
difficult 3 months for me. I longed for something, anything I could
recognize about myself to grab a hold of. I kept coming up empty. And a
month of no makeup left my on even more unfamiliar terms with myself.
I’m not claiming to have perfected the art of finding my identity and
worth solely in the Lord. But, I do believe I’ve found the path that
leads to healing, love and true beauty in seeking my heavenly Prince.
Taking another look at Song of Songs led to new discoveries. Even a
Song of Songs woman had insecurities to overcome. She felt because her
skin was dark she didn’t meet the standard of beauty during her time
(Song of Songs 1:6).
While Song of Songs is a collection of songs between a man and a woman,
it’s also an illustration of the love of Christ for the church. I
already have a prince. He is chasing after ME. He loves ME. He delights
in ME.
“You’re my beloved you’re my bride. To sing over you is my delight. Come away with me my love.” My favorite words from the Kari Jobe song, “Beloved”
I think I’m just now understanding it’s full weight, meaning and
actually living it. This month I’ll be working in Phuket, Thailand in
the Red Light District ministering to prostitutes. God has used the
past 3 months to shake my identity and to redefine it. I think God has
called me to confess that this month. More so to WALK BOLDLY as a woman of God and proclaim FREEDOM over the women working in those bars to walk in the same identity Christ has given them.
