last month in mozambique was hard.
hard doesn’t mean bad, just hard.
for the last few months i’ve been really wrestling with a lot of things.
most of those things being unanswered questions.
i like to ask questions. especially when i don’t understand something. i want to understand, so i question. in my life, i tend to question God a lot because there’s a lot about Him and the world He has made that i just don’t understand.
for some reason in the last few months tons of questions have come up. questions that lead to a lot of cynicism and distrust and doubt. questions that seemed more like accusations. questions that lead me to say to a friend one day in june, “you know, i think i’m at the tipping point in my faith and my options are 1) agnosticism or 2) deeper relationship with God.”
now really, when i look at it, agnosticism doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. but lately neither has God. and when i realized that…that nothing was making sense to me, i felt pretty crazy and hopeless. so i did something i mostly never do. i cried. i just went and layed in my tent and curled up in a ball and cried. i cried because i was confused and angry and hurting and lonely. but mostly i was just sad. how could this be happening? how could it be that i’m on a christian mission trip and i don’t know how to be a christian anymore? if there was any time i should feel closest to God and most secure in who He is wouldn’t it be this year on the world race? i was pretty certain in that moment that i would need to send myself home. i mean, i can’t be agnostic and stay on the world race. i just can’t.
but even in all of that, i couldn’t and can’t deny the presence of God in my life and the lives of others around me. and really, if i’m honest with myself and with you, i know that Jesus is my only hope. and if that’s true, well…i can’t turn my back on Him. i just can’t.
in all of this searching i have received answers to a lot of my questions and there’s some that are still unanswered. i realize i have questions that i may never get answers to. and i have questions that will take years of living and learning before answers slowly develop.
i’ve walked into awareness of my own insignificance – an attempt at right-sizing myself in relation to humanity and the world and God. ecclesiastes says that this life is meaningless. the hebrew word used is hebel; an ephemeral, transitory mist. and for some strange reason that brings me comfort. the world can’t give me what my soul longs for, but the world can’t take it away either.
i’ve come to this place where, on the one hand, i know God and the foundation of His character and who He is, and on the other hand, i’ve got all of these questions that don’t seem to match up with that. but i’ve realized that these questions are going to be answered in alignment with who God is, and not the other way around. in my searching i’ve found that His character bears up to my questions.
so, if you’re someone who has a lot of questions, i would say keep asking. and when it’s exhausting, have the courage to keep asking. and when you’re angry and cynical, have the courage to stay vulnerable and open. and when the journey seems too painful, like it’s not worth it, have the courage to keep going.
