For those of you who know me well, you know how much I LOVE this song and how every.single.time. I hear it, it causes me to involuntarily put on my party pants and have a crazy dance party no matter where I am. In fact, one of my closest friends, Stephanie, and I would often have crowds gathered around us anytime this song came on and we were out together because it was our go to dance song and we tend to dance a bit crazy. But, since I’ve hit that “sweet point” of the half way mark on the race, this song has had a bit of a different meaning.
We’re over half way through the race and things have been getting progressively harder the longer I’m away from my home, friends and family. I would be lying to you if I said I haven’t honestly thought about packing my bags and giving up.
Three days ago 4 of my squad mates got sent home- for those of you not on the race, when a squad mate/ teammate gets sent home it’s like you’re losing a little bit of your heart. This is a total of 5 people from my squad to have been sent home at this point in the race, 7 if you include our squad leaders; so to say I’m a bit distracted right now is an understatement. These people became my family, my support system, and my confidants; they laughed at the silly things I did but more importantly they laughed WITH me; one of the best days I’ve had on the race so far happened with one of those girls the day before she got sent home, and now she’s back in America and I’m still in the Philippines and none of it makes sense to me.
Most of my squad right now is on their way to Manila for an adventure day for the next day and a half but I’m sitting at the church at our ministry site because my finances are running too low to go explore and do all the things I want to do, and that is killing me. Most of you know how much I love traveling, when I’m at home all the money I save goes towards me going on adventures and taking trips with my friends, so the fact that I’m in this incredible country and I’m not able to go explore like my heart wants to due to finances is a bit of a let down.
I have missed hugs from my Mom, Dad and Sister more than words can say; I’ve missed being able to go over to my best friends’ house and snuggle on the couch while watching movies and I’ve missed cuddles from my dog so much recently, that even before this situation, I’ve seriously thought about hopping on the next plane out of here to go back home to all my comforts.
I am frustrated with my squad’s leadership right now, the decisions that have been made the past few months on behalf of the squad has left me confused on how I’m supposed to trust them to do what is best for my squad and I over the next four months–
And every time I get to this point in my ranting, God stops me dead in my tracks and asks why I’m worried about them doing everything right. He gently reminds me that they are human after all and they shouldn’t be expected to be perfect but instead, I should give them grace for the things I feel they have done that aren’t right. And then He reminds me about something even more profound- that though these things came as a surprise to me, they weren’t a surprise to him. He knew these things would happen before I even sent in my application, almost a year ago. He knows the struggles I’m facing, He knows how much I miss my friends and family back home, He knows my depression has reared it’s ugly head more in the last 7 months than it did the 2 years leading up to me leaving for this trip, He knows how much I miss being in control of my finances, and my schedule and what I have to do on a daily basis- and in the midst of all that He asks me, “Do you not trust me to do what is best for you? Do you think I mean to harm you?” Every time He asks me this it humbles me more than I can express. The growth I’ve gone through these last 7 months is more than I would have been able to do in 3 years at home. I know He has incredible plans for my last 4 months on the race, as one of my squad mates, Kayla, said in her blog earlier this week, “I don’t believe He (God) means for the Race to be a seven-month thing, a two-month thing, whatever. It’s an 11-month thing…” and I fully agree with her.
And so, though my finances are crazy low, though I won’t be able to explore and adventure like I was hoping, though I miss my friends and family more than I can express, though I’m weary about trusting leadership and their plans for the squad and though everything in me right now wants to give up, in the famous words of Bon Jovi,
“We’ve got to hold on, ready or not.
You live for the fight when it’s all that you’ve got,
Woah, we’re half way there.
Woah, livin’ on a prayer.”
I’ve got some things that I need to finish over here before I can come home. I fully plan on making it to Month 11. I plan on pressing in harder these next 4 months than I have the first 7 and I plan to see this thing through to the end. I will live in prayer and rely fully on God’s strength to get me through these next 4 1/2 months because I can’t do it alone.
So, I’m sorry America but it looks like it’s going to be another 4 months until I grace you with my presence again. See you in August!!
If you feel lead to give to help me with my financial needs for the remainder of the race my paypal email is : [email protected].
Thank you to those who have donated to my journey this far!
