This is one of the hardest things I will ever do.
The world is a broken place. Serving it has been hard.
Probably one of the HARDEST things I will ever do.
This is the reality.
There has been many horrible things seen on this journey along with some really amazing things. I will not be returning to the states the same woman I used to be. It is impossible. My worldview is shattered and my heart has been broken again and again. Each country we have traveled to introduces new tragedies to overcome and new victories to experience. As a missionary on The World Race, we willingly place ourselves in the center of the darkest of places where many people would NEVER go. To say I haven’t wrestled or cried myself to sleep multiple times would be a lie. That is life, isn’t it? We, as humans, have the capacity to take the bad with the good. But there is something beautiful that can arise from mess.
It is worth it.
It is good to struggle.
Worth every single tear.
Worth every question.
Worth every bit of wisdom.
The wrestle.
The growth.
The ability to have FAITH.
There is hope.
There is light.
There is love.
There is love in the eyes of a mother who fights daily to care for her disabled son. Not being led by sight, but by faith I sat before her – we spent time together. Our team blessed her with prayer, financially, and with food. We laughed with her and enjoyed watching her love her child. This is the LOVE of Jesus.
When I walked away from that sweet moment, I got up. GOT UP and WALKED. With tears in my eyes, I continued moving forward knowing that in that moment, Jesus gave me strength. That precious moment was a reminder of India and the love I had for a 9 year old disabled girl who is blind. The feeling of brokenness and the memories flooded back. Wishing I could care for her, hold her again, and tell her how beautiful she is. Then I felt the Lord speak to me, “Pain is not how I love you, do not be afraid to cry. Your heart was designed to be shared not to be shut away and locked up. Do not keep yourself closed off because of fear. When you are truly yourself, my people love you.”
My heart is broken for:
The disabled children of India.
The women stuck in sex slavery in Siem Reap.
The girls who don’t know their worth in Thailand.
The ladies forced to sell their bodies in the dark cabins of Kathmandu.
The young men who don’t know the power they possess in Nepal.
The kids who are in drug rehab because of their choices in Cambodia.
The youth who don’t know how much potential they have to make a difference in Mae Sot.
Those who have every ability to be the change.
Those who have the gifts that can inevitably make an impact.
In brokenness we make more room for LOVE. It expands where our hearts can and will go. Love defines the HARD things that shape and contribute to our character.
I believe that our circumstances should never define God’s love –
God’s love will define our circumstances.
All I am required to do is embrace that LOVE.
To endure each month as it comes and persevere under the trials.
That is what I am called to do.
Here, and now, and for the rest of my life.
‘In all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the LOVE of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.’ -Romans 8:37-39
I have discovered that God’s LOVE is GREATER than any hardship that may happen. His love never fails to light my path. His love never abandons or gives up. That LOVE has made a difference in my life at home and as a missionary on The World Race.
It will forever stretch me.
It will endure forever.
Over the last five months, I have discovered that scarcity is an opportunity for God to show you that He is enough. In what we think is absence – The Lord is actually teaching us and revealing how beautiful His plan is. The struggles I face only further press me into God. Each day, despite how difficult, I always ask: “God, Where are you in this?“
I do not have to panic. I do not have to fear. I do not have to fight alone.
He calls me to TRUST. He calls me to WAIT. God IS working.
It is not by my own strength that I am still here.
It is by God’s grace alone that I am alive and able to serve others.
I believe God will ALWAYS be enough.
He will always be abounding in LOVE.
The LOVE I will continue to give over and over again.
Will I mess up? Maybe.
Will there be times I fail? Absolutely.
Am I perfect at loving others? No.
Will I learn to love better for the next opportunity? You bet.
Will I continue to strive in order to choose joy in even the most heartbreaking of circumstances? Every morning I wake up with that choice, Yes.
I have learned a very valuable lesson on The World Race:
If there is no fear in LOVE.
I should not fear in having a broken heart.
‘There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.’ -1 John 4:18
I hope to say at the end of May 2016, I LOVED with everything I had and experienced complete brokenness – and It was worth every single minute. Every growing pain and restless night was valuable. Every single encounter with another soul I had was a blessing.
God’s Love is enough.
‘And we know that in ALL things God works for the GOOD of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. For those God foreknew He also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those He predestined, He also called; those He called, He also justified; those He justified, He also glorified.’ -Romans 8:28-30
