I asked God to break my heart for what breaks His.
To press into the mess and to get my hands dirty.
Be careful what you pray for, because God may answer.
Here I am. Chosen before I even knew it to walk this path in life. It is my official first month as a missionary on The World Race. Our team of seven is on a 8 hour bus ride to our ministry location as I type these words. India’s music blasts in the back of the bus as we pass endless scenery of this nation. I feel the weight of that call more than ever as I look out the window at India’s countryside and reflect on how my heart broke yesterday for the children of South India. God knows how He will use me in India. This nation is hungry.
I prayed to be broken-hearted and I am. I lost it yesterday as I struggled to collect myself as we were introduced to our ministry for this month at Sarah’s Covenant Homes: to work with children who are disabled, disfigured, and orphaned. These children are cared for in homes by house ‘mothers’ who have volunteered to care for them along with women from India (ayas) who are paid a low salary to help. The hands are scarce. Most of the kids are in rough condition when they are taken in. The care-givers do their best to care for them, nourish them back to health, treat them, and teach them to walk/talk/speak. Some even end up going to school. We toured 4 homes and met 120 orphans all different ages with different disabilities/disfigurements.
It was hard.
It broke me seeing these kids; realizing these are the ones no one wanted. They were destined to be disowned by their families, to suffer until death, die on the streets, or to be killed due to their physical state. India is very much a nation that is ruled by female infanticide and marked by abandonment. Many children are orphaned due to them being unwanted, disabled, or disfigured. As our guide (a house mother) showed us the first of four homes, my heart started to pound out of my chest as I watched a 9 month old be wrapped in casts. He had boils all over his skin…both arms and legs were wrapped in white as the nurse picked him up. I couldn’t even go in the room. As I fought my tears, one of my teammates Eric stood near. I took big gasps of hot air in order to attempt to hide my soul breaking down. I said, “I hate crying.” He said, “It’s okay to cry. Cry if you need to, it shows you have a heart.”
I have never worked with young kids. Let alone disabled ones or those who suffer with cerebralpalsy. I found myself using hand sanitizer like it was bug spray and a rising fear of getting lice had heightened by the fourth home. I expressed this later yesterday evening with my team. According to my pastor, Matt Chandler, this admission of need and reality is a good thing.
‘I sought the LORD, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed.’
Psalm 34:4-5
To quote his book Recovering Redemption, “This is where the stuff you hate most about yourself can go to die. This is how the High Surgeon of heaven begins performing the corrective procedures on your heart that can ultimately set you free. This is how you change” (Chandler, 39).
Bri gave me a huge wake-up call in response to my fears saying, “Jesus picked you up and loved you in your mess.” She is right. This is the start of laying down comfort, selfish thoughts, and pushing back darkness. I am terrified but willing as I firmly believe God is guiding my team every step of the way.
For all my prayer warriors out there, Please pray for us. That we would care and love these children that we are on our way to meet. That we would embrace them as the Father God has embraced us. That we would desire more change as we work out the sight of things we don’t quite understand.
