This whole week of training camp God has been growing me by teaching and revealing to me different things- that I've been hurt and it's ok to feel grief, that he wants me entirely- especially the messiness, that I don't "need" all the comforts or safety nets I thought I did (food, safety, cleanliness), AND that He passionately seeks after me. All this I had been processing throughout the week, but not entirely allowing myself to be broken by my need for Him. The moment that I started processing the fact that I was likely going to be a leader of a team, it all came rushing in with an overwhelming sense.
I broke.
I had shed a couple tears earlier in the work during worship, but these were gut-wrenching ones- what a mess. I couldn't even pull it together long enough to leave the room.
It was all too much.
To be in charge of the lives and spiritual well-being of 6 women- the one they look to for wisdom- the fear of being inadequate was crippling, and the last straw of the week to break the lies I tell myself that I can do it on my own. I worked through the crippling fear and finally stopped sobbing because I wanted so dearly to believe that I could trust God to provide what I needed to support these women throughout the next year.
My fear was realized; I was invited to be a leader. Now stands the question of do I do what is comfortable (although no part of the World Race is going to be comfortable, but still) or do I trust God and take a step out of my comfort zone? So I prayed, and I simply got the feeling that in order for me to learn how to truly surrender to God (what I've prayed about for years as I struggle with issues of control) that this is the perfect opportunity for me to have to literally CLING to Him everyday because I know me on my own is NOT going to be any kind of successful leader.
I still felt anxious, but I knew it was the right decision because I cannot grow unless I am out of my comfort zone. And believe you me, I want to grow. Then something incredible happened. Over the next 24 hours, without voicing my feelings of anxiety and inadequacy to anyone, a number of my squadmates, my new family of less than a week, came up to me and separately reinforced the leadership qualities they see in me, and how God is going to use me to bless my team and change lives. The group of people that I have literally known for a week are so overflowing with God and a passion for their brothers and sisters that they met my needs when I couldn't even grasp the thought of reaching out for help.
GOD OVERWHELMED ME WITH HIS LOVE FOR ME.
He wants me to grow closer and in an entirely new and deeper dependence on Him- how much more of an intimacy could I ask for?? He isn't leaving me alone in it. He's showing up in ways I didn't think I could ask for. Who am I to deserve any of this? I am nothing on my own. But I am a daughter of God, and that is worth everything.
