This past month in Mozambique was amazing and definitely a much-needed month after the previous two being somewhat disappointing as far as ministry is concerned. This month rekindled my passion for being on the Race and made me feel like I was actually doing something with this trip and impacting people around the world. Not that it’s about how I feel because I know none of my time here on the Race is wasted because God has me here for His purposes, but it is kind of nice to actually feel like God is using me to make a difference rather than just trusting that He is. Unfortunately our time at Kedesh was cut short due to robbery risk, but the community will always be one that I remember and pray for.
Since being gone, I’ve had some time to reflect on what God was teaching me throughout my time in Mozambique. Basically the whole month was centered on this theme of discipline…and how much I lack it in various areas of my life. It was a very humbling and convicting month, but also one that caused me to reflect on my life and what God is calling me into.
First, Kedesh was a very structured environment. We would wake up every day (except on Saturdays) at 5:30am to a 5 song Christian playlist that was blared throughout the campground. We would have until 6am to get ready and make it down to the breakfast table (if you were late, there would be consequences). Then our contact, John, would read from the Word while we ate and then send us off to do our chores. It was cool to be under the same rules that the boys were under as it allowed us to relate to them better and get a feel for what their lives were like. Me and Steni’s chores were preparing the lunch which entailed going into the garden and picking greens, then chopping up the vegetables, and finally making the rice. The day would end with dinner around 6-6:30pm and then a movie to end the night. Quiet hours started at 9pm.
My friend Jan (on the team that we were paired with this month) also has taught me a lot about discipline throughout the Race. He is a person who, when he sets his mind to something, will follow through almost without fail. He is constantly aware of things in life that are prone to become idols and is very good at establishing boundaries and sticking to them. Whether it be simple things such as not running more than twice week because of idolizing body image or more spiritual things such as setting aside times for prayer each day regardless of how tired or busy he may be, he is very good at following through with what he says he will do.
I was also reading a biography of David Livingstone, which has been really interesting and very inspiring as he was a “powerhouse” of the faith in the 19th century and helped establish missions to Africa. His whole life was one of faithful obedience and discipline that led to a close relationship with his Lord and Savior. And that was something that I really had to stumble through this month.
At the beginning of the month, I wrote down some things that I felt the Lord placing on my heart. The list included setting time aside morning and evening to be in the Word and in prayer, using the Internet only twice a week, and investigating the gift of healing more. I was all determined to implement these things and see God work in them. But sadly, those aspirations were short-lived and the month didn’t really look at all like I was envisioning.
I would make excuses and compromises, which once started, led to a downward spiral with no hope of stopping. I would forget to pray throughout the day. I would use the excuse of being tired to no dive into the Word. I checked the Internet constantly which led to habitual sin that I’ve struggled with in the past. I didn’t investigate the gift of healing at all. All the aspirations that I originally had were quickly passing away because I wasn’t disciplined in following through on them.
But the sad thing was, I thought I could continue to draw closer to the Lord while I lived the way I wanted to live. I would begin each day in prayer, asking the Lord to reveal Himself to me, but I had no intention of really submitting my day to Him. I was going to live the way I wanted to, but still expected God to give me what I wanted from Him. Looking at it now, it seems like a very silly thing to think that God would cater to me in that way, but during the moment I can convince myself that I’m still pursuing the Lord. I mean, that’s why I’m on the Race: to pursue the Lord and draw closer to Him. So in order to avoid conviction, I can convince myself of pursuing the Lord by saying these prayers that make it seem like I’m desiring Him, yet not having any intention of really denying myself and surrendering my everything to Him.
And it all kind of peaked with about a week left in our time at Kedesh. During the night, the Lord spoke to me in a dream and really revealed to me a lot of sin that I had been apathetically walking in. He revealed a lot of pride that I had in my image and my talents and rebuked me strongly. He finished by saying that if I wanted to continue to live the way that I wanted to live and not be obedient to what He commands of me, then He will harden my heart and give me over to my sin. This scared the crap out of me.
You see, I was convinced that me and God were still close because even though I knew I was sinning and being disobedient towards Him, I still would feel the conviction of the Spirit which made me feel like God was still working in me. And in some weird, sick way I was okay with living the way I wanted to live and have the resulting conviction symbolize my intimacy with the Lord. But God showed me that I was far from Him. He told me that it’s only through obedience that I get to obtain a deeper knowledge and intimacy with Him. And that was a scary realization to come to because I don’t want my heart to be hardened to the Spirit. With the Lord’s conviction, I will be led to repentance and therefore closeness with the Lord, but when the heart is hardened even to conviction, how can I be brought to that repentance? As it says in Romans 1…
“Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts…They exchanged the truth about God for a lie and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator…” Romans 1:24-25
So yea, this month was very convicting and humbling in many ways. God searched my heart and exposed some tough things. I pray that God will continue to soften my heart and give me that godly sorrow which leads to repentance. I want to go deeper into the things of the Lord and I know that that way is only through obedience. May my life be more and more a reflection of His character and His glory.
