Today was kind of a hard day. I think a neccessary day, but a hard day nonetheless. The last couple of days I've kind of been fighting indifference in my heart towards pursuing the Lord. This has been something that over the past couple months I've really been noticing in my life: these periods where it is really a struggle for me to desire the Lord. This morning I kind of wanted to figure out why I go through these stages in my walk with Christ. I was looking at a sermon series that I had listened to this past summer that was about the heart for some perspective. In one of the sermons, the pastor asked the congregation as they left to allow the Holy Spirit to really press into their hearts and really expose some of the more subtle sins and desires of our hearts that affects our relationship with Christ.
It sounded like a very appropriate thing to do, but I found myself shortly afterwards beginning to start my homework that's due tomorrow. And then I realized that I wasn't doing what the pastor asked. Here he called us to really search our hearts and allow the Spirit to convict us of sin and it immediately went in one ear and out the other. I just went about my normal day as usual. And I think it's because I don't want to see all my sin exposed. I don't want to feel the full weight of my sin. I know that I'm a sinner and am okay with having some of the "major" sins like lust, pride, and bitterness exposed because the list isn't super long, but when I start looking at the more subtle ones and the sinful desires of my heart, the list becomes infinite. And that's something that I often am not willing to acknowledge and face because I'm too prideful to admit that I'm all that bad.
But I know that if the fullness of the Spirit is ever going to be revealed through my body/life, this reflection needs to happen. Until I can expose and pry open my hand from all of the idols that I'm holding on to, I limit the Spirit's power/work in my life and heart and am prone to further indifference and hardening of my heart. And that's been something I've been trying to fight for awhile now, but I think I'm realizing that it's kind of felt like a hopeless fight with no chance of achieving victory because I haven't been willing to wrestle with the Spirit and have my heart and desires exposed. Because honestly there's a lot of sin in there. There's a lot of pride. There's a lot of lust. There's a lot of selfishness. There's a lot of bitterness. There's a lot of laziness. There's a lot of indifference. There's a lot of doubt. There's a lot more that I can list here (believe me, there's a LOT more), but for the sake of your time I'll leave you with one more: there's a lot of ashamedness of the gospel.
Now I know you're probably like what?! I thought this guy called himself a Christian? I thought he was going around the world for the sake of the gospel? How can he say that?
Believe me, it sucks to say. Really really sucks. But I don't know if I can explain it any other way. It mostly appears when people (especially those I know and have some sort of relationship with) ask me what I'm doing after college. I'll admit that I'm going on the Race and say that I'm going to serve the poor and blah, blah, blah. Mostly the stuff that I know will peak their interest. But do I ever acknowledge what motivates me to go? Do I ever admit who I really am doing this for? Unfortunately…no. Because that would bring Jesus into it. That would force me to admit that I love the Lord and want to give my life for whatever plans He has for me. That would force me to acknowledge that I believe in the power of the gospel. And for some reason, I care so much more about not wanting to look weird or be thought of differently rather than seeking to advance the Kingdom.
Well, actually I know the reason…at least a part of it. One of those idols that my hand has closed around is my desire to be accepted by people. I care so much about what people think of me, how they view me, whether they like me or not, etc. I want to follow the Lord and I want to glorify Him in all things and I want to passionately share the gospel with people; I just don't want to do that at the expense of not being accepted or being made fun of or being "weird". I care a lot more about being friends with everyone now rather than risking a friendship for the sake of sharing how they can personally have a relationship with the God who loves them and came to die for them so they can experience Him for eternity.
Because that's the gospel I believe in. I believe that God created us to be in a relationship with Him and that our sin has separated us from Him. I believe that there is nothing we can do to restore our relationship with Him so God sent His Son, Jesus, to pay the penalty for our sins. And through His blood, we are restored in our relationship with Him and get to experience the coming Kingdom. And that Kingdom is alive and active now (though not complete). It's not just some future place or some far off place; it's here and now!
And that's why I'm going on the Race. Because I believe the Kingdom of God is moving on this earth! I believe that the good news is being proclaimed to the poor! I believe that He's binding up the brokenhearted. I believe He's proclaiming freedom for the captives! I believe He's releasing prisoners from darkness! I believe the year of the Lord's favor is now! (Isaiah 61:1-2) And I want to be a part of it! I don't want to sit on the sidelines and let this amazing opportunity pass me by. The Lord is looking for people to send and I want to respond like Isaiah, "Here am I! Send me!" (Isaiah 6:8)
And I guess I just want to be willing to share that with people now. I don't want to leave out the biggest part of the Race. I'm not just serving the poor and trying to make their lives easier. With the message that I have, that would be attempting to make their paths to an eternity without God a little more enjoyable. What's the point of that? What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? (Matthew 16:26) Life is short; eternity is not. Shouldn't I invest in other peoples' eternities? Don't get me wrong…I think it's great to help the poor, to fight injustice, and all that stuff. I just think it's all futile if the gospel isn't being proclaimed with it. And that's what I'm praying/striving to be unashamed in…the gospel.
"For I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes." Romans 1:16
