So I've been attending my church's college-aged ministry group this summer and it's been a really good experience so far. We meet every Tuesday night and instead of a traditional format of singing worship songs and listening to a speaker for 25 minutes, we have instead spent the whole hour forming small groups and talking about different questions concerning faith and Jesus that are given to us on a projector. It's been really cool getting other peoples' persepctives on certain questions and also re-examining my own beliefs and experiences. One question that we discussed a couple weeks ago that has really caused me to reflect on my own faith and life was this:
What's the difference between faith and fear (anxiety)? Are these separate things or can we experience them at the same time?
As discussion broke out, some people said that if you have faith, then you won't have fear, while others said that you can have both at the same time. When I first heard the question, I immediately answered (in my head) that the two were separate. If you had faith, then you wouldn't be anxious and if you were anxious, then you didn't have faith at that time.
But as I reflected what that looked like in my own life, there wasn't really a time where I could say that I wasn't without some type of fear or anxiety for something that was going on in my life. When I went on a summer project back in 2010 with Campus Crusade for Christ, I feared that the Lord wouldn't provide me with the financial support that I needed to raise. I was confident that the Lord was calling me to go on the project, but I was anxious about how He was going to make that happen. Another example is when I led my first Bible study in my old dorm at UW-Madison. I had just come off summer project and was equipped in how to share my faith and how to lead a Bible study discussion and I was excited to see how the Lord was going to work through me. But I was afraid that the Lord wouldn't provide me with guys for the study or that I wouldn't be able to answer their questions or that they wouldn't like me. I could name numerous of other occassions (such as anytime I share my faith or any new transition in my life) where I had to take steps of faith and trust that the Lord was with me, but where I also had doubt inside me that God wouldn't provide or that things wouldn't work out.
So as I looked back at those events, I realized that I couldn't really say that I had faith without any fear. The faith I did have was always coupled with a fear and doubt that the Lord wouldn't provide. I wouldn't say that I didn't have any faith cause I did feel a deep sense that the Lord was calling me to act in faith and I did take those steps obediently, but that still didn't mean I wasn't scared.
And I think it's because I don't have a complete faith.
Cause I think the answer to the above question is that true faith has no room for fear or anxiety. At an absolute definition, the two are separate. If I had true faith, then I would be confident in the Lord and His character and trust in His provision and sovereignty regardless of circumstances. But that's simply not true in my experiences. I experience parts of what faith is, but because it's not complete there will always be fear and doubt in the Lord and His character. And it's not because it's impossible for me to experience true faith. As it says in 2 Timothy 1:7,
"for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control."
God's Holy Spirit is absent of fear. And as a follower of Christ, I have been given this spirit and can experience all of its qualities in my own life. If I live in the power of the Spirit, I will experience all the Spirit has to offer, including a lack of fear. But since I don't always live in the power of the Spirit, but rather choose to walk in my own sinful strength and ways, I'm never going to completely experience all that the Spirit is: I'll never have a complete faith, one that lacks fear (at least in this life).
But that's not to say that I can't grow in my faith. Jesus offers to create in me a heart that believes in Him more firmly. One of my favorite quotes in the Bible is in Mark 9, when a father with a son who had an evil spirit cried to Jesus saying "I believe; help my unbelief!" What a beautiful confession that he makes as he acknowledges his spiritual weakness and knows that only Jesus Christ can strengthen him.
So as I prepare for a year on the World Race, I'm confident that the Lord is calling me to this, that He will be with me through all circumstances, and that He will provide for me both financially and spiritually to make it through this amazing experience. But I still have moments where I fear that the Lord won't provide me with all my support or that maybe I'm doing this more for myself rather than for Him. I recognize that these are lies from the Enemy (Satan), but I still battle with them nonetheless. I pray that like the father in Mark 9, I will cry out to Jesus and ask for His help with my unbelief. And I pray that whatever faith I do have will not be drowned out by my fears and doubts, but rather lead me to action and obedience in what God has planned for me.
In this case…the World Race!
