Not knowing where you fit in the world doesn’t necessarily mean you are useless. I believed the lie that since I had no idea what my role was in this whole thing we call Christianity, I would not be able to make a difference in the lives of those who I talked to and who I tried to reach. When you carry baggage from the past with you, it dictates the way you view the world in the present. You immediately contribute hardships to bad past habits, difficulties to bad past decision-making, and doubts to past disbelief in Christ. I had been carrying baggage from my past and in doing so, believed the lie that because I hadn’t been a “perfect” Christian my entire life, I was useless in the eyes of Christ.
Did not Jonah bring the voice of God to the Ninehvites after He refused to go? Did not Moses lead the Israelites out of Egypt even after he refused God the first few times God asked him and even after he killed one of his Egyptian brothers? Did not Paul bring many to Christ after persecuting Christians for most of his life?
We tend to know these stories in our minds but rarely do we associate these stories to actual people. We glorify these men and women of faith almost as diety, when in reality they were merely normal people called to do extraordinary people. Look at Rahab and how she lived in a life filled with prostitution, but God used her for His glory. We look at prostitution now-a-days and deem it to be damnable, but yet God thinks otherwise.
This past month in Costa Rica, I was exposed to these lies at an entirely different level. Many racers before they go on the race glorify it, thinking that the race itself will immediately rectify all that is wrong in their lives and purify the wrongs they have been living in for their entire life. They put the race on the pedistal, thinking that in the end, God will inevitably transform their lives. I also believed that somehow, this race would release the baggage in my life and allow me to live life worry-free in the years that followed.
Any time you have baggage mixed with a radical thought that somehow this baggage will be magically eradicated by some external force without internal spiritual change is a recipe for disaster. I got train-wrecked this month. I realized that I need to first come my 50% if I expect God to come his 50%. Releasing baggage isn’t a simple one-step process. It takes serious intentionality to recognize the baggage, deal with the baggage, and release it. This process can be so spiritually demanding that it leaves you succeptable to emotions such as anger and selfishness. Strange isn’t it? How can something so good for you be such a difficult process? It’s the Catch 22 of spiritual living, something I am still learning how to process even as I write this blog.
Leading someone to Christ through all of this confusion let’s me know that God’s at work in my life. I was able to sit down with a little boy named Josiah and share the love of Christ with him. Even through the language barrier, God moved and let me know “Son, you don’t have to know all the answers. Just know that I’m real, I’m raw, and I’m working whether you can release your past life or not.”
What was even more incredible was the thought of being able to begin to fulfill the Great Commission. I had an opportunity this month to work alongside my squadmates Cody Wittick and Jarin Harvey, and witness how to properly disciple young believers. Meg, our ministry host who owns an organization called Christian Light Foundation in Los Guido, Costa Rica, led us around one of the poorest slums in central America to houses where young believers, some the age of eight, had just received Christ. She led us into these metal and tin shacks where these young children lived, and we were able to see her sit down next to them, teach them bible verses, and pray with them as they learned more about Christ. It was absolutely incredible.
I apologize if this blog is all over the place. I haven’t had much time to write a blog let alone process it, so this may be pretty raw and out there. I do know one thing, however. To think that I may be in the same boat as Paul, Jonah, and other men of faith is humbling, and to know that we don’t need to release everything wrong in our lives past and present for God to use us is something we should all learn, regardless where we are at in our lives and where we are in the world.
Note: The deadline is quickly approaching. I am still in need of $2,500 by December 1st in order to help continue advancing God’s kingdom in countries across the world. Please pray or consider donating that the deadline is met.
– N.J. Shear
