Why can’t I walk?
Why can’t I move?
Why can’t I eat?
Why can’t I talk?
Why can’t I see?
Why can’t I breathe?
Why do I have this life, God?
These are the questions that I imagine these girls have for God, and that I’ve been wrestling with since being here in Shell. Talking about my experience at Casa de Fe any differently would be lying…
On Thanksgiving, my team ate dinner at Casa de Fe. Before eating, I visited the girls that I work with every day and introduced a team member to them. Being in their presence hit me like a ton of bricks.
I immediately felt guilty for wallowing in my self-pity.
I was feeling sorry for myself all day because I wasn’t home for Thanksgiving, but these kids don’t even have a home to want to go to for Thanksgiving. They don’t eat turkey with their mouths, they are fed through a tube. They don’t brush their teeth, they have their mouths cleaned with a tube. They don’t get to ride Ferris wheels held together by packing tape, they get a ride to the hospital because of a cold. They don’t sit around the table making memories, they sit in their beds by themselves crying silently. They don’t get to see the faces of the people they love, they stare into eternal nothingness.
But through their pain, they are blessing me. I am learning what it truly means to be grateful for every breath, every second of life that I get.
I feel guilty for taking my life, family, and health for granted all these years.
I feel guilty for stressing about the future when these girls don’t know how much longer they are even going to live.
I feel guilty for not always utilizing the gifts God has given me to further his kingdom.
No more.
I am going to enjoy every second of my life, no matter how difficult it is.
No more lukewarm Christianity.
There is no excuse.
I am thankful they are going to go to Heaven and no longer be trapped in their endless sickness, constantly sinking in the oblivion of blindness… They will have dance parties, sing, laugh, eat pie, breathe, go on walks, drink coffee (I bet God likes coffee), see beautiful sunsets, smile… and simply experience the most wonderful place for the rest of eternity, resting in their true Father’s presence.
That is why I am thankful this Thanksgiving.
