Monday and Tuesday of training camp, we learned about receiving more of the Holy Spirit and learning to listen for His voice when talking or praying with others. So on Tuesday night, we did an exercise where half the squad closed their eyes and the others would come up to one of us and place their hand(s) on our shoulders and the person with their eyes closed would just listen for any word of encouragement or image that the Holy Spirit would bring to mind, then share it with other person. So the person with their eyes closed doesn’t know who’s standing in front of them. I had read about this exercise on another racer’s blog and when I realized what we were about to do, I was nervous to say the least. The whole time before we started, I was just praying in my head, “Father give me ears to hear and eyes to see. Clear out all distractions.” I didn’t doubt God’s ability or willingness to speak to me, but I definitely had some doubts about my ability to hear and discern His voice. And ironically, somehow I ended up doing the exercise twice. Not sure if I was supposed to or not, but both times, for me, I would get a word or phrase stuck in my mind, and once I started speaking with that, more words of encouragement came. And both times, the Spirit gave me the exact words the other person needed to hear! So that was a HUGE faith boost for me! And the prophetic word that was spoken over me was pretty cool and encouraging as well, but I’m not gonna take time to write it all out and explain it on here, but if you want to know, just ask/text/Facebook message me.
Wednesday and Thursday we did a lot of team building exercises in order for the leaders and trainers to determine who would work best together on teams. There’s about 50 of us on O Squad, but then we’re split into teams of 6-7 people and I couldn’t be more excited to be serving alongside the team of people God put me on. Thursday afternoon we were allowed about 4 hours to go into town and just spend time with our teammates, so we made a beeline for the nearest pizza place. While we were there talking about the race, some of our expectations and fears, both of the race or life in general, one of my teammates shared an image she got of me standing on the edge of the seashore. I had my toes in the water, but I wasn’t “all in.” Part of me was thinking, “really? how can I still not be all in after everything I’ve experienced this week?” But the more I thought about it, I realized that part of me was still holding onto fear. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. I think a big part of it is toxic thinking patterns still embedded from when I was still under the influence of porn. That stuff will screw with your head and identity and will numb you spiritually and emotionally/mentally. I was still dealing with thoughts of doubt like, “I’m not worthy.” “I’ll never be like the strong Christians who are healing the sick and giving prophetic words on a daily basis.” “That’s not for me, that’s for Christians who have their act together.” Well I’m here to tell you that that’s a load of BS straight outa hell. If you are in Christ, you can have as much of God as you want! Get to know God, how much He loves you, and who He says you are! In Christ, you are completely loved, embraced, accepted, and forgiven!!!
Thursday night was an intense night of worship and just soaking in the presence of the Lord. Several people in O squad were singled out for words of encouragement and affirmation, of which I was one. The man leading worship even had me come up and pray over everyone in the room. As he was speaking over me, I was just praying, “God, I want more of you. No more doubt, no more fear. Fill me with your Spirit.” And He did. I don’t know exactly what happened, but if I had to describe myself in one word after training camp, it would be “Alive!” Like I said earlier, porn destroys you emotionally. You don’t feel much of anything. I don’t remember ever crying when my parents divorced when I was 15. But after Thursday night, I was finally starting to feel again. Feel Freedom! Feel Joy! Feel Excitement! Feel Love! Not only from God, but also from my new family. I discovered that I think my primary love languages are words of encouragement and physical touch. I wasn’t a huge hugger…..until the end of training camp. Now, I’d rather have a hug than a handshake, particularly when greeting family (brothers and sisters in Christ) I know this was a long post, but God is too good for me to leave out the little details!
“As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our flesh and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature deserving of wrath. 4 But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” Ephesians 2:1-10
