I wanted to give you all a little update on our ministry here, as we are about to be finished and heading to Tanzania. I feel like I’ve learned a lot about submitting to the Lord this month. He has forced me to do things that make me uncomfortable and I feel that I have begun to grow because of it. I’ve kinda been in a slump for the last month or so. I have struggled with my motivations for coming out here and struggled even more to find the right ones to make me stay. If there is a proverbial bottom, then I hit it last month. I was truly just tired. I felt like I was done, spent. That I had nothing else to offer God, my team or the people to whom I was supposed to minister. I fought back depression as our struggle to raise support or earn responses from those who read seemed a larger obstacle than it really was. I have struggled against the false theologies that I have been taught. Battling with everything in me to let the Truth, of which I am now sure, be the anchor for my heart and life. All in all, I went through the freaking ringer this past month, but I am better because of it.
I feel that God really set me straight at the first worship service of our last debrief. Although it’s taken me nearly a month to process through it all, I know that I am where God wants me and that he’s making me into who he wants me to be.
Anyway, back to the subject. God made me do things in which I am not comfortable. Like teaching in the past two Sunday services here and speaking at a small group. And I know that he intends to keep stretching me until this is through. It’s almost like the first half of this thing was me letting all the crap I was carrying go, and now he’s equipping me properly. God has a sense of humor, don’t let anyone tell you differently.
The door to door and cell groups have now given most all of us friends. So much of our time has become about speaking into their lives and ministering to their families. So some of you may be wondering about the man I wrote about a few blogs ago. Patrick, The guy who was one O eight as his son put it. Anyway, Colby and I went to visit him again this week in hopes of witnessing to him some more. When we arrived, we couldn’t find him and assumed that he had been sent home. But on the way home our contact Caleb told me that he had passed away the week before, just a few days after we saw him. It took a while for it to really sink in…….and I’m still not at peace about it. I don’t know if his son got through to him or not. The logical part of my mind doubts it, since I have seen how dry and divided most Christians are here. Be honest, if all you had was dry and really lame people telling you about Jesus, with no enthusiasm would you believe? Still, I hope and regret. I regret not returning to him sooner, not showing more passion and love. I didn’t even show the excitement that he did for me when he found out that I was a Christian. I learned that he was Muslim and the taught prejudices of an American jackass came through and I internally shut down. I conceded without speaking a word about Jesus or his love for the man. I should have gone back, tried again. God forgive me. I know that he is in control, but I can’t help doubt, yet again, my own weaknesses and faults. I’m still so confused by all of this and I honestly can’t figure out why I’m telling you. Pray for me. Lord forgive my pride, I didn’t know……
Nick
