One of the many challenging topics that we talked about at training camp was shame. We talked about this when all the guys were on their man hike and the girls stayed back and had a woman’s retreat. The message was telling us the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt causes action. Shame on the other hand brings fear.
After the message she challenged us to draw, color, journal, whatever the things that had brought shame into our lives. We took some time to listen to God and see what was it that he wanted us to share.
Automatically the word masturbation popped into my head and I was like No, Nope, Nuh-uh really?? Are you sure? I can’t… There were other things that I could think of that had brought shame into my life and would be easier to talk about but I have never told anyone about that and I was planning on going to the grave with it.
I go sit at a table that had water colors, crayons, paint brushes, glue sticks, colored paper, and magazines dispersed throughout. I picked up a blue piece of paper and I just stared at it because didn’t know what I wanted to do. I didn’t want to draw a picture or whatever about how keeping this secret made me feel.
I got this brilliant idea that I would tear the paper in half and at the bottom right hand corner I would draw something that has brought me shame but was easier for me to talk about. Then out of other half of paper that I wasn’t using I tore it in half and made a little blue square. I would use that square to hide the picture on the left hand side that I made about the shame I felt from masturbation. My thought was if I feel safe enough to share then I would peel back the blue square and tell them.
At the bottom right hand corner I drew a stick person that was sitting up against a wall curled up with their arms wrapped around their legs looking down with a sad face. Then I grabbed a paint brush and surround the stick figure with the different shades of blue, with some black, and red. That picture represented a very dark place in my life and how I used to deal with it. (I’m sure I will blog about that later)
Then on the left hand side I drew a black box with a crayon and inside that box I used water colors and blended green, brown, and black. Above that box I wrote SHHHH…. I used that blue box that I had torn from the scrap paper and covered it up.
We broke up into a small 3 person group and found a place for us to go share. We sat down and I decided that I was only going to share the main picture at first. I wasn’t going to share the picture behind the blue box.
After everyone shared I figured what the hell, we are here to prepare us for this trip and to gain some freedom in our lives. So I told them and to be honest I didn’t feel any better. I was just like well… it’s out there, I did it now I don’t have to talk about it ever again.
Until later that night we go into the main building for another session. At the stage you see a nice comfy sofa chair with a little coffee stand beside it and a nice little sofa on the other side. Kinda like how Ellen has her stage set up except for the bright white lights there was shades of pink and red, and the lights were dimmed.
In the sofa chair was a pretty lady with a sweet smile waiting for all the girls to sit down. Once everyone is settled she introduces herself and says that she and two other women were going to talk about sex. I thought it was going to be your typical save yourself for marriage message.
She tells us that she wanted to share about her battle with masturbation and the shame that it brought into her life. At that moment I smiled and thought no wonder You brought that up earlier. Who would have thought the God who made the earth had a plan for me that night…
After they all shared their stories, each of them being different, we broke up into our little group from earlier and paired up with another group and a leader to go talk and share about the messages we heard that day.
We found an office and we all sat down and the leader asked who would like to share first. We all just stared in different directions in silence for what seemed like forever. I spoke up first and said well… I’m gonna go ahead and get mine out of the way. I pulled out the picture I drew from earlier. I said, “It’s funny how things work because earlier today I drew this picture and at first you see this sad person in the corner with the blues, black and red,” and I explained what that picture represented.
Then I peeled back the blue square and showed them the black box, at that point I had tears going down my face. I told them that it represented something I wanted to keep hidden from everyone and that my plan was to never tell anyone until earlier today.
I said that the blending of the green, brown, and black represented how I felt gross and that I would just tear myself up about it. That my fear of me ever sharing it would make me that gross black box and that would be all that people would see me as. I said, “I can’t even really say what it is but it was “okay” and normal for guys to do it.” After that everyone shared and I realized that I wasn’t the only person in that room that had battled with masturbation.
That’s the thing about shame. It makes you want to isolate yourself. To cover that thing you’re hiding underneath a rug or for me a little blue square made out of paper and act like everything is okay. Shame makes you live in fear, you think that if someone finds out then nobody wants anything to do with you and that you’ll be alone.
THAT IS A LIE STRAIGHT FROM HELL. You see what I learned by sharing my shame was I realized I wasn’t alone. That night not only did I confess something I didn’t want anyone to know but I gained some freedom, and friends that I can go to about anything.
I challenge you to think about it and ask God what’s in your life that is brining you shame. Ask Him if He wants to say anything or bring anything up, and to help you with the pain that the shame has given you. Gain freedom and ask for his forgiveness from it and ask Him to give you the strength to help you when you feel weak. Go farther and share that shame with someone you trust and ask them to keep you accountable. It’s super scary, I’m not going to lie, but it is so worth it. I promise.
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