So, there is this child at our ministry this month who I’ve really grown attached to. I’m going to call him Jack because we can’t use their real names. Jack is the smallest kid at our ministry. He is 2 1/2 but he is well undersized. He is skinny, short, and has underdeveloped muscles (he doesn’t run around super well and doesn’t run around as much as the other kids… in reality it is more of a really cute waddle).
I truly feel a father attachment to him. I follow him around, protect him, care for him, teach him what is right (even though he doesn’t speak English… so it’s more just me saying things he doesn’t understand), and just love him. I’ve spent today on a bus to Phnom Penh to take care of some squad business and he has constantly been on my mind. Knowing I won’t see him for 4 days makes me sad and what’s worse is that I already briefly thought about the end of the month and permanently leaving him. It makes me sad. If the chance arose I would adopt him in a heartbeat (like seriously). Jack just has my heart. I don’t konw what it is about him, maybe it is the hardship he has endured already in his short life and that he doesn’t smile hardly at all but each day shows a little more light, a little more hope, a little more Christ. He’s like any other kid: sometimes moody, doesn’t always like you, doesn’t want to do what you want when you know it is what is best, etc. But he brings me so much joy. He has run to me multiple times with arms wide to give me a hug. He wants for me to hold him. He touches my beard, something foreign to him. He looks for nap time on my shoulder. I might hate getting up at 5:30 every morning to start ministry, but I know that the early start to the day means sooner that I get to see Jack.
I think the first thing Jack taught me was how to truly and unconditionally love someone. Jack did nothing to “earn” my love. I believe the first time I met him I was picking him up at 6:15am to come to the ministry site and he was crying so I just held him in my lap and comforted him. I follow him around and protect him because I want to, because I choose him. Each day I choose to love him. This is a reminder to me of God’s love. There are certainly differences. My love increases and decreases (though for the most part I feel like I love him so much no matter what). My love doesn’t sacrifice as much as God’s. But I feel like my love for Jack is a tiny taste and reminder of God’s love for me. I do nothing to earn God’s love. I am like a 2 1/2 year old with little knowledge for the world and little ability to do anything but God chooses me anyways. God desires for me to be with Him. God looks forward to every moment I spend with Him, particularly the more intimate moments. I am not God, nor do I have close to the Father’s love, but Jack has shown me a little of how the Father loves me.
The second thing I learned is the importance of speaking Truth over people. Even though he will never understand my English I realized I still have a unique opportunity with Jack and all the kids at the ministry. I can either speak life or speak death over them and they don’t know what I am saying. BUT, this is hugely important because while they will never know or remember what I say to them, their Spirit can know and understand. And I have chosen to speak tons of life over Jack. By speaking life and Biblical truth over him I am beckoning God to come and protect him and the Spirit to come and fight for him, that one day he may truly be a child of God and his spirit will be strengthened because of the Truth I speak into him now. I just started telling Jack that he is a child of God, created in God’s image, forgiven, redeemed, fought for, loved, and so on. He has no idea what I’m saying, but I truly believe that what I say to Jack makes a difference, whether he has any knowledge or not.
A third lesson I learned was how much God cares for orphans, widows, and the marginalized. The other day I was holding Jack and this kid who’s a rascal came over and was trying to bounce on him with this giant rubber reindeer (legit, you sit on this inflated reindeer and it’s bouncy… like a harder bouncy house material… so you bounce around on it) and I tell him to stop and he doesn’t. He just laughs at me. I keep my defenses up with a hand out to keep him at arms reach so he can’t bounce on Jack. It gets to the point where I’m pushing him away with increasingly more force so he gets the point to go away because he is being mean. He finally leaves, but eventually he comes back and he starts swinging punches at Jack, fortunately it’s more fake punches, not quite close enough to connect, but waaaay too close to be swinging at another kids face. At this point I’m getting agitated. You don’t swing at a 2 1/2 year old who can’t defend himself and is really tiny, especially when he’s just chillin in my lap. At this moment I am Jack’s only line of defense between his face and a fist. So, after a few deflections and firm no’s, this other kid won’t stop swinging, legit swinging, not child arm-flailing, but swinging, close-fisted. He won’t listen, he doesn’t hear my voice get stern, and after about 7 times of him doing this (I like to think this event is completed, hence the number 7), I snap on him and really raise my voice for this kid to leave and to not hit (even if you question my methods, keep reading, I’m not giving a professional “How To Discipline Children” speech here). Thankfully a teammate came over and grabbed the beligerant child and took him away and in that moment I heard God tell me, “this is what I do with the orphans” (and widows and less fortunate, particularly in the Bible). God defends them with a righteous anger. He gets mad, He becomes wrathful, He defends the defenseless at all costs because they are DEFENSELESS… if God is not with them they have no defense. That is what Jack was (and almost always is at this point in his life). He is defenseless. And while I would not recommend snapping at a child in 99.9% of instances, God really reminded me in this moment that He too gets angry, He gets angered by injustice… and He does act. I mean, I don’t want a good God who just lets anything go and lets people do what they want. I want to follow a God, and I do, who steps in and defends His children from the “bullies” of the world at all cost. The God I follow is a just God. He does not let evil, my evil or the evil of others, go unpunished. He fights and combats evil with a righteous anger and it is okay for His children to get upset and angry with the injustices of this world.
The fourth thing I think Jack has taught me is just who I am. He has helped bring out qualities in me that often aren’t shown. They have shown up before, but I haven’t really worked with kids on the Race and I don’t know if I’ve ever loved a kid quite as much as I love Jack. He’s allowed me to see father qualities in myself and qualities of The Father. Each day is a new adventure with him and I find myself continually drawn to him and just wanting to be around him, to play with him, hold him, love him, even nap with him if the opportunity arises. I don’t think I knew I had the love in me that I’ve had for Jack.
Ultimately, this little one has stolen my heart… and I don’t say that lightly… and not being a “feeler” or one who discusses feelings much, this is a big deal for me. I love laughing with this kid, wiping his tears, holding him when he is sad or hurt, letting him rest in my arms and on my chest, and just being the goof-ball that I am in Christ to bring joy to Jack’s life. I can only pray that each day Christ shines through me and, while Jack doesn’t know what exactly is happening or who it is that I follow, that someday we will be reunited for all eternity (and hopefully we may reunite before than while on earth). Although, as I sit here I wonder if I would/will love Jack as much as I do now when he is older. Would I love him with this much love when he is the 6 year old troublemaker? Would I love him when he becomes a beligerant teenager? I don’t know. But what I do know is that Christ loves me and Jack no matter what and at this moment I love Jack with a love that can only come from the Father.
