About a month ago I was invited to be O Squad’s writing leader.
It’s funny, because this summer, I had two people tell me that my trip would give me a leadership position.
I just pushed that to the back of my mind and didn’t pursue it. I figured, if that was something that was going to happen, I would let God show me what my role would be. That and I was kinda hoping that they would be wrong. I mean, on the surface level, being a leader sounds pretty cool. But really? Leadership is a whole lot of responsibility and work and people. I already knew that this mission trip was going to be pretty intense, but to be a leader on top of that? Yikes. Eh, how about we count me out. Okay, God?
I also didn’t personally consider myself to be a leader. If I was called into that position, I had doubts about whether I could actually be effective. I mean, me? A leader? The more I thought about it, the more I convinced myself that leadership wasn’t for me.
I dismissed any more thoughts about it, until I was reading about Moses; more specifically when God talks to Moses through the burning bush (Exodus 3-4). Basically, God tells Moses that He has chosen him to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.
And Moses’ first reaction is: “Me? Who am I that you would send me?” God responds that He will provide everything for Moses, but even after some pretty cool miracles Moses remains stubbornly unconvinced. He ignores everything God has just told him (and shown him) and says, “Count me out. Can’t you find someone else?”
Reading the story, you can’t help but look at Moses and think: But Moses, LOOK at what God just showed you! And didn’t you HEAR a word that he said? How can you doubt that God can use you?
I came to the conclusion that self doubt blinds us a lot more than we give it credit for.
I also realized I was acting a lot like Moses.
Oops.
As a result, I became a little more open to a leadership position, though I still wasn’t too thrilled about the idea.
Then came training camp. That’s when most of the leaders for the trip are chosen and, by the end of the week, I hadn’t been chosen. I was a little relieved but also unsure about what that meant. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to be a leader right now? Maybe I had just heard wrong?
But the week still wasn’t completely over. The training camp staff announced that there were going to be two more leadership positions offered. Both of them involved telling and crafting stories from our trip. The staff explained that these positions meant helping our squad-mates create a story through their writing, videos, and photography. One leadership position would work with Writing and one would work with Photography and Videos. The more they talked about the positions, the more I knew that this was where God wanted me to get involved. Especially with the writing. I’ve known for a long time that God has called me to use my writing for Him, how should this trip be any different?
The only dilemma was that we had to sign ourselves up for the position. I was still fighting off some of that lovely self-doubt stuff. I was also trying to convince myself that it would just be way too much work; that it would be a hundred times easier for me if I let someone else do it.
The sign up sheet was all the way across the room from where I was sitting. It was surrounded by people. A long ways to go and a long time to wait. Why even bother?
I almost had myself convinced not to do it. To just leave the room and make my way to the next thing on the agenda.
But the problem with that is that I knew that I would be taking the easy way out.
Gol darn it, I felt convicted. I don’t like taking the easy way out of things. (In my head, I was grumbling to God the whole walk over to the sign up sheet.) It seemed pretty clear to me that God wanted me to do this. If I was wrong, the worst thing that could happen would be for someone else to be chosen. And was that so bad? What did I really have to lose? Nothing.
With a shaky hand, I put my name down. As soon as I did it, I felt relieved. I knew I had done the right thing and all I could do now was wait and see what happened.
Training camp ended. I returned home. Weeks passed and I heard nothing about the position. I assumed someone else had gotten it and I was actually disappointed.
Then I received the email. I was invited to be the Squad’s Writing Story Leader! I’m pretty sure I did an excited dance around the house (my dog probably thought I was crazy).
I’m still a little nervous about the position, but it’s cool to see that this is exactly what God wants me to do. And I can take my confidence from that.
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In other news, it’s been a weird winter in Minnesota. At the moment, it looks like our Christmas will be green. Instead of snow, we’ve had quite a bit of rain. And fog. Not that I’m complaining, I’ve actually enjoyed the warmer temperatures.
