Change. It’s one of those things that I’ll never like. I like consistency. It helps me trust situations. It helps me trust people. On the other hand, change causes confusion, frustration, and anxiety.
This week our squad was asked to have 9 women move to one of two other squads where there’s a need. My initial thought was, “I guess it’s time to start saying goodbye”.
Saying goodbye is one of those things I’ve been dreading since first signing up for The World Race. Saying goodbye to my friends, siblings, parents, baby nephew and cousin. Saying goodbye to my bed and all of the other comforts I take for granted every day. Saying goodbye to being picky about my meals. Knowing that month after month, for 11 months straight, I’ll be saying goodbye to everyone I meet.
I find the hardest part about goodbyes to be the inconsistency; not knowing if I’ll see the person again, and knowing that some of the people that I click with and open up to might not be around the next month.
We’ve already had a few members of our squad postpone their race or switch routes over the past few months. But this week has been an overload of goodbyes.
Unfortunately, the little nudge I received upon first hearing about the need for women to move has become more of a steady shake. As I asked God to make the right decision for me clear, I actually became more and more anxious. I didn’t hear a clear response that provided peace. It was more of an overwhelming sense of anxiety for having to make a decision I really didn’t want to make. To be honest, I just wanted God to say in a loud voice from the sky (preferably loud enough for others to hear) what He wanted me to do.
My mom told me that I should let my little cousin pick one of the route numbers from a hat and go with that one. So the next morning, at work, I wrote the two numbers (my initial route, 4 and one they asked us to switch to, 5) on paper, mixed them up and picked one. It read 5.
Of course I didn’t truly take that to mean much. I was still asking God if I should change squads when I somehow stumbled upon an old blog post called ‘She Said YES!’ written by Laura Lea Medders, a girl who’s currently on the field. The paragraph that really resonated with me read,
‘This year has been full of so many tears, laughs, farts, pranks, craziness and laughter. As I leave my home state, Texas, and pack up my belongings in my new house (my pack), I will forever cherish the sweet memories that the Lord has blessed me with by just saying… Yes.’
Reading that felt like God was asking me to say yes. More than that, though, He was telling me that the blessings of responding to His call would far outweigh everything I was scared of losing.
I called my cousin later that afternoon and asked her to pick a number, 4 or 5. Without a beat, or even knowing why, she said, ‘5, obviously’. I forgot her birthday is on the 5th, and to her there was no question about it.
When I got home I decided to listen to my mom and had my 2 year old cousin pick one of two folded pieces of paper. She chose 5.
To be perfectly honest I had a feeling I was going to be moving from my beloved squad before any of that but I thought if I kept seeing the number 5 creep up it would be some sort of confirmation and bring me the peace about my decision that I was looking for. But, still, I felt uneasy. The anxiety didn’t go away.
When I began to think of all of the concerns I had with switching, one thing continued to come to the forefront of my mind – the people. I don’t want to leave this incredible group of men and women, with astonishingly large hearts, who I’ve had the opportunity to come to know and love over the past five months. A group that I’ve dreamt of travelling the world with and performing miracles for God beside. We’ve prayed together, shared our worries with one another, donated to each other, and fasted together. Some of them have been there since I first started this journey. They are my family.
Like I said.. I like consistency. It helps me trust situations. It helps me trust people. The problem, though, is that it doesn’t help me trust God.
Where there’s inconsistency there’s a need to trust and put faith in God. The only One who is consistent in the midst of all.
I’m sure you’ve already guessed it, but this is a long way of telling you that I’ve changed routes. I’ll be joining route 5 and extending my already abnormally large family. We’ll be visiting:
India -> Nepal -> South Africa -> Swaziland -> Mozambique -> Latvia -> Estonia -> Thailand -> Burma -> Cambodia -> Vietnam
I’m devastated to be leaving P squad and the beautiful souls that make it up. And nervous about jumping into a group that already knows each other so well. Yet my sad heart is somehow calm, knowing that I’m putting my trust in God through the uncertainty of this change.
My new squad-mate Katie says it best, “Man. Never doubt God when He tells you to do something.”
Please pray for my old squad as they continue to say goodbye to those who are leaving them. And for my new squad to have the unity and love that only comes from knowing Christ.
‘Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.’ – James 1:17
