(please press play on this song as you read this blog)
I wanted to be honest, open, and naked
I need to be honest, open, and naked right now
I have been going through a LOT these past five days, I heard some news that ROCKED me to my core. Out of respect I can not go into details, but something horrible happened to someone I LOVE a long time ago and I just found out about it last friday.
I did not know what to do as this person was crying through skype and all I wanted to do was hold her. Let her know that she is beautiful LOVED and a daughter of the most high. This is the first time on my race that something really hard has happened to anyone I love back home. I wanted to be with her, I didnt want to be in Thailand for a brief moment. I wanted to get on a plane right there and then and show up at her door, but I knew in my heart I needed to be here. In that moment
I questioned but never doubted my father
I cried
I punched things
Went on a LONG walk
and in the end of it all my pain i forgave and felt held by my father.
I have seen so much hurt, poverty, suffering, tears, and injustice this past year
but I have also seen
REDEMPTION LOVE AND HEALING!
I have seen the enemy but more importantly
I have seen THE FATHER!
In such HUGE ways this year
I have been struggling in another area that I have recently found a lot of freedom and victory in!
I hold onto people, I hold onto there hearts, and try to hold them in my hands! Which is STUPID because I can not even handle my own heart well in my own strength.
So this blog is part of me LETTING GO! I will not hold something that is not mine, I will not try to love them out of my own strength. My strength comes from him and him alone, that is where I will love them from. From him from his thrown room, be free hearts, be free heart. You are not mine to hold
I give up control of needing to know where my life is heading. I give up my pre notions of what would be good for me I give it all up! JESUS JESUS JESUS is what i want and need. Wife,Kids,Job come after my relationship with JESUS.
I am sorry father for putting that before you at times. Help me to step into more truth in beliving your all I truly need.
TODAY I SHAVED MY HEAD! I was growing my hair out for a year, and i felt like God wanted me to shave it as a symbol of letting go of everything. My desires, other peoples opinions, and what i think is best. I have never had a shaved head and im 25 so it was definetly a MILESTONE in my life!
I am healthy and happy, please dont think I did this because I just emotional etc etc I am more in LOVE with God and life than I have ever been. I needed to do a physical representation of what was happening internally with me.
Thank you so much for reading about my process it means a lot! Your prayers are felt and appreciated.
THE JOURNEY CONTINUES!
