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An ellipsis in writing represents a pause. Meaning there is more to come. A single dot means the end but three in a row and you know that the story continues.
Confession…
First let me begin with a confession… Since 7th grade I have struggled with depression, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts. At the beginning I cut myself multiple times every day. My wrist, shoulder, shin and thigh are riddled with scars. Some scars years have faded and others are fresh as of a few months ago. Sometimes I long for the feeling of a sharp blade gliding across my skin, tearing it open and reminding me that I can feel things in this world.
I have had dark nights with a blade in my hand with every ounce of my being desiring to be plunged into it except for one. One tiny ounce telling me no. And praise God for that single ounce that has prevented me from ending my life. But, oh, have I had terribly close calls during those dark nights.
My depression can last 5 minutes or 55 days. It comes out of nowhere and can linger. Depression is a constant battle and within these battles I catch myself desiring the strange comfort I find in the slicing of my skin.
Purpose …
Now let me be clear, this confession is not meant to elicit a reaction from friends or family members who may have some false feelings of responsibility. Nor is it meant as a way to seek out new help.
This confession is being made so that those trapped by similar issues can find Hope.
This confession is being made for the sake of the many people who have loved ones trapped by various mental health issues and don’t know what to do or how to respond.
Background …
I come from a wonderful family, my parents love each other and their children well. My many brothers and sisters love each other and my parents well. Even my extended family has played an extensive role in my development and love me very deeply. All of my needs and even most of my wants have been met for my entire life. I was in church and had a passion for the Lord. I read my bible daily, prayed consistently, lead small groups and fervently shared my love for Christ.
From the outside looking in, you would never know that I was suffocating inside my own mind.
My Struggle …
You see like most people with mental health issues I was an expert at hiding my true emotions. Hiding them even though I was extremely emotional in my dealings with my family and friends. But behind it all, it was an emptiness, a void. Perhaps the best way to describe this was a numbness to emotion and to the world. I could be screaming and crying, but in the back of my mind I knew I didn’t feel anything. I wanted these emotions to exist and to take control, but I just didn’t care…life just wasn’t interesting…I was numb…so very numb.
From this numbness grew the need to feel anything authentic at all… and as a 12 year old I chose pain through self-harm.
Now this is such a difficult concept to wrap one’s mind around, but I plead with you to try.
If you truly felt like I did, numb to everything in the world and the only reliable feeling you could always stimulate was PAIN, then maybe you could understand my desire for that blade to press hard and slice through my skin.
For me cutting was a simple fix that led to an addiction. I am now 22 years old and still have to battle the desire to run a blade across my arm. The desire comes from boredom, a constant numbness to life, or the need for the ever-reliable pain feeling, reminding me that I am still alive. But sometimes I am confronted with new emotions, emotions that I wasn’t aware I could possess. Which then causes me to become terrified, enough to try and run back to the old comfort of a sharp knife.
The Common Response …
I know I’m not alone, alone in feeling lost and revert back to self-harm. But, So often the common response to a self harm confession is “why don’t you seek help?”
Well for several reasons:
- I am so numb to the world, I simply didn’t care enough to seek help.
- People do not know how to react!
- This the is two fold.
- There is something wrong with me and I don’t want people to know.
- If I do share then people will judge me and never understand.
Ok, so the first reason is a constant battle that I see many people failing to understand, without putting forth any great effort to seek out specifics. Who is this person struggling, and what exactly is their struggle with mental health.
But, the second reason … lets be real … this is the real heart of the matter. You wanna know why its so hard for your loved one to seek help? Its often because they know that even if they did come to you for help, they would only be met with confusion, over-reaction, lack of empathy, (other emotions) etc. And unfortunately an overwhelming negative desire to instantly fix the problem without any understanding or knowledge.
Finally, the third reason. Most often in my experience this shows up in close groups of friends, especially small groups within the church. Not only is it innately hard to share struggles with people, but it becomes so much harder with the overwhelming stigma of negativity, misunderstanding, and overreaction surrounding the issue of mental health. With all this over arching theme, how could anyone feel safe to share anything, let alone a great struggle.
So the challenge for those of you with loved ones whom you know or suspect of struggling with their mental health is to find a way to love them knowing they most likely have some version of these reasons for not approaching you or wanting help lingering in their mind. Be active and vulnerable with them, make them feel safe and understood. It is a slow pace not a sprint towards them or a noose around their neck pulling them to you.
There is Hope …
As a 22 year old who is currently a missionary overseas and been struggling with depression, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts for 10 years, I promise you there is hope.
For anyone reading this who struggles with any mental health issues, I plead with you, I promise you there is hope.
I cannot sit here and tell you it will ever go away because I’m not even sure if it will ever go away for myself.
But I can tell you that after hundreds of scars, several very scary close to suicidal nights, and a depression that sneaks in periodically and uncontrollably… even among all that there is hope.
Hope in the fact that you are here for a purpose. Hope in the people out there who can remove your numbness far better than pain ever could. Hope in the fact that because you are here for a purpose life is worth living. You have so much to offer to those around you. You are unique and precious. Even when life is boring with no authentic feelings are present, you can still bring a unique perspective, and persistence to people that can change their lives.
You may still struggle… I know that even being surrounded by people I love, doing work I love, I still deal with depression and self harm. even being here on the race.
This struggle may never disappear but find hope in that fact that you are not alone, there is nothing wrong with you, and you’re here for a great purpose. So I plead with you to persist. Use that persistence and the perspective that you gain to save lives and comfort people down the road.
For the Loved Ones …
To be honest I don’t have an answer… I don’t have a good way to help those dealing with mental health issues.
Even when I ask myself, I’m not entirely sure what I would want or even what I would need from loved ones.
Hopefully in some small way what I have written can help you to find that answer for yourself.
. . .
I’ll leave you with this. I am 22 and after 10 years of ups and downs I am currently winning my battle against my mental health. I still have hard days, sometimes knives are still enticing, and sometimes I am still utterly numb. But I have hope and the persistence to carry on so that one day I may save someone else from the same struggles I have faced.
My story is continuing; there may be some pauses and some struggles.
But it will not be just 1 dot it will always be 3.
If you would like to talk more please contact me and please share this with those you think need it.
