As I sit here waiting for our laundry to get done, I'm having a hard time finding a topic to write about. So I decided to be real and vulnerable.
FEAR
It's real easy for us as believers to stand up and proclaim our victories! To give praise reports! Especially when it comes to the area of faith and seeing people healed or set free!
But I have to be honest…my faith has been rocked!
I'm struggling to believe and to find the passion I once lived from.
I'm not sure if it's a mixture of condemnation and guilt(which is ludicrous because I know the gospel breaks those), or if it's a matter of being hurt so much by others professing to be christians.
Jess and I both have seen a side of "Christianity" that most people don't see just sitting behind a pew!
We've seen a lot of AMAZING, incredible miracles like laying hands on hundreds of people and seeing them healed including a dude waking up from a coma, a lady with nerve damage in her feet walk without her cane, deaf ears open and much much more!
But we've also seen the fruit of the "institutionalized church" and the BS that goes on behind closed doors. The fear mongering and manipulative tactics just to get people coming back to their meetings. YES. It really happens! This inlcudes manipulative BS just to get in your paycheck.
This is where the hurt from other christians comes in. We've been kicked out of churches for "healing to many people", been called wolves and heretics behind our back(through facebook mind you), lost a "pastoral" position because we preached the gospel and all the while the churches spend money on things they don't need and keep people we love and care about in bondage!
FAITH
I guess I'm writing all of this to say that even in the middle of my fear, loneliness, and feelings of inadequacy and rejection from people I've only ever cared so deeply for, I still know that Jesus is with me! (fyi – loneliness is more from not being surrounded by like minded people and feeling as though we don't have anyone to do life with)
Poppa constantly reminds me that He smiles down on me! That He is my source for happiness and fulfillment!
That my identity as the beloved trumps all the negative circumstances!
And even in the middle of seeing so many dreams "fail", I know that He is the source that brings me peace and reassurance that HIS LOVE NEVER FAILS!!
And those dreams He's placed on my heart will come to pass!!
SUCCESS
Also, I'm not writing this to have people "feel sorry" for us!
I wouldn't change a thing about my life!! Except for my thoughts and what I choose to focus on! (Writing is somewhat of a relief for me as I can get my thoughts out and some of my emotions.)
One thing I've been having to redefine in my life is what it means to be successful. It's so easy to get caught up in the idea that success is in:
- How many people I've reached/touched
- How much money I make
- How many sick people I've healed
- How many homeless people I've fed
- How much money I've given away
And the list could go on and on!!!
We have the ability to define our own success, and then our definition of success will shape us!
We will either chase something and keep raising the bar higher, never reaching our definition of success, or we can realize that we are ALREADY successful simply because every breath we breathe brings joy to Daddy!!
It's much easier to fear our future when we question whether or not we will be successful!
It's A LOT easier to rest and have faith when we realize we ARE successful.
But if I had to define success by something I want to achieve it would be by how many people I've loved, starting with myself!
- Have I loved myself?
- Do I look in the mirror and like what I see? Because He does!! No matter what I've done or AM doing to screw things up. He keeps NO records of my wrongs!!
Then after I can confidently say yes, I will love my neighbor as I love myself! Not holding my trespasses against me, and not holding their's against them!
With that being said, it is a day by day process of gaining back my passion that I feel has been violently stripped out from under me!
It's a day by day process of not counting my own trespasses against me, and not counting others against them!!
It's a day by day trust that my Father is good!!
ALL. THE. TIME.
