This is a little bit about my life and a little bit of how I came to know Daddy! Couple things ya’ll might want to know beforehand. When I write, I like to be real and raw. I want to be someone who is relatable, and not someone who appears to know it all. So if I offend you, please don’t take it personal. Thanks!
I have one amazing sister and two beautiful parents who have been separated since the time of diapers. Things in our house weren’t always peachy, but I know both my parents tried there hardest to do what they knew was right! They’ve done an amazing job! Love you both and words cannot express my grattitude!
I basically came out of the womb glued to a pew. Lol. I’m not a PK in the since of neither one of my parents being a “pastor”, but my pops was in church leadership and my whole family has grown up as “Christians.” Now, I might dare say, that I grew up “churched”, but quite legalistic. With this being said, my perception of Dad from a very young age became blinded by how I was raised in the house, in church, in school and in many other ways.
I knew God was real because of experiences I had in church and out of church. I remember there was a time when I was maybe around 8 when I had really bad aches in my feet, to the point where it cause my whole leg to spasm. Well one night, I remember lying in bed and tangibly feeling someone rubbing my feet, and I looked and no one was there! I knew it was either an angel or Jesus! I remember going to church and walking into the main service and tangibly feeling a difference in the atmosphere. Feeling Dad's peace and joy.
Now although all these experiences were incredible, what I was being taught was horrible. And honestly, some of the ideas fed to me about who Dad is literally drove me into depression and suicidal thoughts as a teenager. Now, I’m not pointing fingers and I'm not bitter or blaming anyone. We can only share as much love as we’ve experienced. We can only impact people with truth, as far as our paradigm understands the truth. And some of the things we may understand as true, may not really be. So sometimes we share lies but it’s not on purpose. I know that churches have great hearts, but they don’t always hold the truth.
Here are some of the perceptions I had of Dad as a teen that caused me to have an awful perception of myself and of Him:
- God was only interested in how well I perform.
- He was always disappointed in me because my performance wasn’t good enough.
- He wanted me to give up all my dreams.
- He caused bad things to happen(poverty, disease, death)
- I wasn’t going to heaven unless I lived 100% right, ALL THE TIME.
With these thoughts of the God I'd experienced as a kid and considering the fact that in my teenage years, (well in every guys teenage years), my hormones were crazy so I wanted to bang anything that walked by me, I constantly walked in guilt, shame, and fear of being punished or smited like all the characters in the Old testament stories we heard! Like Jonah and His disobedience being the forefront of his story instead of a LOVING, gracious, Father who if He hadn’t already forgiven him before He ever asked for it, wouldn’t have saved his life with a whale and put him “in the right direction.” It didn't when I went to church and was told I need to repent and ask for forgiveness because you never know when Jesus is coming back and you don't want Him to come if you haven't asked for forgiveness.
GRACE and Dad’s goodness leading to repentance was NEVER the main message of youth sermons. It was always sin management and behavior modification with fear and guilt being behind every word spoken.
The one thing I really appreciate about my heritage, is the fact that at church camps and other events, I had real encounters with the real man Jesus Christ which at times have gotten me through LOTS doubt.
But it wasn’t actually until I went to Southwestern College,(now Arizona Christian University) that I began to learn about being a beloved Child of God. I’d heard the term before, but it wasn’t until here that really began to sink into my heart! I started walking in more and more freedom from pornography and began to walk in the prophetic even more than what I had already seen!!
My first semester there, I went to go spend some time in prayer with a friend at a local prayer house. While we were there, Dad totally ended up blowing my mind!! As I just sat still, Dad whispered a name to me. Jacob. Kinda questioning whether or not this was me, I kept asking him to speak it to me if it was really him. And for ten minutes, I kept hearing this name! Finally I got up off my butt, walked over to this teen who I’d NEVER seen before and asked, “Is your name Jacob.” His response blew my mind!! “Yes,” He said kinda confused!
Since then, I’ve only continued to grow in hearing Dad’s voice! And only continued to grow in understand my identity in Him!
It’s not about the do’s and the don’ts! We have been set free from the law so we serve by the Spirit!! We have been set free from the old Adamic nature in order that we can serve by our new heart and out of our new man! Christ the hope of glory in us!!!
After being at ACU for 1 ½ years, I left everything and moved to California with Jess. It’s here in this season that Dad really began to reveal to me who He is! That it’s ALL about intimacy and being aware of Jesus in you, on you and around you in everything and everywhere!!
Jess and I started seeing miracles like people getting healed, allergies, nerve damage, backs, ankles, cancer! Started moving in the prophetic on the streets! Started seeing things we’d asked for effortlessly popping up!! We would leave for somewhere two hours away with 35 dollars in our pocket, and come back with double the amount in our pocket with enough money to drive around for a day and half!!
We didn’t learn ANY of this in a “church.” It was all through relationship with Jesus and Him leading and guiding us into truth!
I am not sharing any of this to brag or boast! Trust me! There are plenty of other people I know who are walking in a lot more of this than we are!
My desire in sharing this is to encourage people and share mine,well our story in order to set people free from lies and bondage that some people might be held in which you may never hear in church! Now, I'm not against church because I've seen a couple of pretty healthy churches and are thankful for them! But I personally don't believe that is the fullness of what God came to do. Which is why the World Race has always appealed to me!
Let me ask a few questions, and please do not come under condemnation because you are just as much a beloved child as I am, as Jess is and anyone else in the world!
- If we really believe it’s ALL about relationship, why do we still go to church?
- If Dad’s LOVE is truly UNCONDITIONAL, why do we think our “mistakes” or “sins” can break fellowship with Dad?
- If Jesus came to show us who Dad is, why do we think Dad blesses our storms?
- If Jesus truly came to die on a cross and rise again, why do we limit Him in us? I mean after all, He stayed in a box for three days and He didn’t really like it there.
It really is about relationship with the Creator of the Cosmos!! It really is about Christ and Him crucified and resurrected!
We are HIS beloved children in who He is HAPPY with!!
I leave you with a couple paragraphs from Jeff Turner on this topic of intimacy. He has been a huge help in the renewing of my mind.
“One of the subjects which we are the most guilty of over complicating is the subject of intimacy with God. We’ve painted a picture of intimacy as being candlelit prayer meetings with ambient music playing in the background and someone reading Song of Solomon to us in a Barry White-esque voice. We create patterns and principles that we must follow in order to arrive at a place of intimate union. Year after year we hear talk of coming into greater degrees of intimacy and so on and so forth, and yet, year after year, we remain stuck, spinning our wheels and going nowhere fast.
Why is this so?
Simply put, it’s because we *are already* engaged in a deep, intimate relationship with the Godhead, we’ve just yet to fully awaken to it. This relationship is not to be attained, but realized. It’s not to be arrived at, but enjoyed. It’s not a destination, but our present tense reality. Intimacy is not complicated. It’s not a matter of ascending some mystical stair case and dancing with Jesus in Beauty & the Beast fashion! You needn’t know the difference between a ‘trance’ and an ‘open vision’ in order to experience it! You don’t need to own the Elijah List’s top ten recommended “soaking albums” in order to enter into the “secret place”! Men complicate and make difficult this most simple and easily experienced reality. Intimacy with God is merely a matter of honestly communing with Him in the context of your present union with Him.
Look at what the scripture says:
“An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.” (Proverbs 24:26)
A kiss on the lips is an expression of deep and heartfelt intimacy. Such intimacy is realized and experienced, simply through honest communion with the One to Whom you are eternally joined. So, the next time you’re tempted to follow steps 1 through 75 in order to arrive at the “secret place”, remember that you’re already there. It is merely your realization and honest, open communication that keeps you from experiencing this beautiful reality. Kiss the face of God today with your uncomplicated honesty! Yes, it’s *REALLY* that easy!”
