Seasons of Tye

     I’ve spent a lot of time this year sharing my testimony with people. From intimate small group meetings, to prisons, churches, youth gatherings, college campuses, and classrooms. Each time I share my story, I learn something new about myself and about how God has worked in my life.The more I speak of this transformation in my life, the more it becomes a reality. I remember month 2 of the race, when I shared my testimony, I would cry. It frustrated me so bad because I felt embarrassed and angry at myself for getting so emotional. Then, sure enough as the months went by, it got easier and easier….. So easy, in fact, that I can’t stop smiling and even let out a giggle when telling of the miracles God has worked in my life. So, now I am going to take the time to tell you my testimony, as it stands today. Then, maybe you will understand why telling it the first few times made me cry, and telling it the last few times made me laugh. This could be a little lengthy, but I promise it’s worth it if you want to read about the amazing, unusual, perfect, way God works in the lives of His children.   

    I usually start my testimony “I grew up in a Christian home….â€� Well, that would be an understatement. Looking back at my childhood, I realize that my parents KNEW Jesus was the most important thing that they could give us. I’m talking VHS Bible Stories, Christian movies, only Christian radio (unless I secretly listened to Ace of Base at Erin’s house… sorry mom), memorizing Bible verses, even chapters. I knew every Bible story there was. I knew Jesus loved me, and I definitely loved Him in return. Did you know when I was in second grade, I would pull my friends in to the classroom library and tell them about Jesus and ask them if they wanted to accept Him? Talk about faith like a child. He was all I needed, and I found my identity in Him. My parents taught me “If you love your friends, you will tell them about God…â€� So, I did. No questions. Why is it so difficult now?
    I know I can’t include every detail of my life while sharing, so I usually jump to the next season of my life: High School/ College. If I could pinpoint a part of my life when my need for God started fading, it would be now. I started learning about all of the things in life that the Devil tempts us with, and boy did I get tempted. Sure, God fought for me… He fought hard sometimes. I know for a fact that His angels were with me through some pretty scary situations that I put myself into. I struggled through High School, wanting so desperately to be ‘cool’ yet still please the Lord. I was testing the waters. I managed to maintain my ‘good girl’ status, but just enough so that my conscience wasn’t bothering me too much. By the time college came around, I was hanging by a thread. I still loved the Lord, and believed in Him 100%, but I wasn’t really convinced that living the Christian lifestyle was what I wanted anymore.  I mean, I was tired of feeling bad for wanting to do all the things my friends and everyone else was doing. They made it look so fun… I wanted a part of it. During college, I attended church every once in a while, and even a campus ministry to appease my guilt for the lifestyle that I had chosen. But it didn’t work, in fact it made me feel worse, so I eventually stopped going all together. Why would I keep going to a place that made me uncomfortable… a place where I had someone to answer to?   It was much easier to attend parties, or go to a night club where no one told me what to do. Plus, those things were now the things that were giving me fulfillment.
      I was feeling pretty good about myself. I was doing it on my own… I didn’t need God anymore. (I feel like most college students in America come to this point somewhere along the way).  I had a ton of friends,  invitations to parties,  trips planned, an outstanding Grade Point Average, and steady boyfriends. Ah yes, how could I forget that part.  Remeber how I mentioned fulfillment? Well, that’s where I was finding it. If I wasn’t in a serious relationship, I was dating. If I wasn’t dating, I was in a serious relationship. Men had taken the place of God in my heart. For a while, it would work. I was happy. Until we broke up. My heart was crushed, I was empty again and I had to start over. What I didn’t realize at this point in my life is that I was trying to replace the love of God in my heart with the love of men… something that is utterly impossible. If there is one thing that I’m sure of, it’s humans will let you down. It’s not their fault.. it because of sin, that pesky thing that separates us from God.  I had managed to separate myself far enough from God that I didn’t remember what it was like to be complete in Him. I didn’t remember the Peace of knowing there was nothing I needed to do to gain His affection because I already had it. I didn’t remember what it was like to not need to search for love. So, I continued searching even after college when I was supposed to have it ‘all together.’
     I remember one afternoon a few weeks after I had graduated from college I was sitting on my computer researching Missions opportunities. I was single, and  I thought, maybe it’s time to get back to my roots. I was tired of searching for fulfillment, I wanted to see what was out there. I needed to get out of my comfort zone and get my hands dirty. I had heard all the stories, I was even sponsoring kids in Africa through World Vision. But, alas, it didn’t happen… and I got into another relationship. Looking back on that time, I knew it was God who did not allow that to happen. He knew I needed a heart transformation before I could go ‘into the world’ in His Name. He was right. I had no idea what was coming next.
    I was tired of living a double life… going to church, not going to church, partying one night, then judging people for doing it the next. Sure, I told everyone I was a Christian and I really tried to be ‘good’ but man, I was proving otherwise with my actions. I wasn’t loving others the way I should and I did some downright horrible things to people around me. When people asked me if I was a Christian, I would smile and say yes, then change the subject. Was this the same girl that once pulled her friends into a classroom library in second grade to tell them about God?  Why was it so hard now? Why was I ashamed? Had I become that ‘Christian’ that does nothing but confuse people who don’t know God.. saying one thing and doing the other?  The ‘limbo’ that so many are caught in. I was gaining the whole world, and losing my soul.

     I had a good friend from Nepal ask me a few months ago “How were you able to live in this sinful lifestyle even though you were a Christian?â€� It was hard to explain that I let the temptations of the world overcome me. I blocked my conscience so things didn’t make me feel guilty anymore.  I took God’s love and forgiveness for granted. See, after visiting over a dozen different countries, it became clear to me that many people in other countries take their faith much more seriously than we do. Many of us grow up as ‘Christians’ but we don’t fully understand what it is like to be a Christian. We don’t really know how blessed we are to have freedom to worship God… and the freedom that we actually have when we live in relation with Him. These people in third world countries… these amazing, inspiring people I’ve met along the way. They are so grateful for the knowledge that they have been saved by God’s grace, and they follow Him. And when I say they FOLLOW Him, I mean, they follow His word. They strive to live a life honoring to Jesus. They need Him, they RELY on Him. When there is no food on the table, they cry out to Him. When they are sick and can’t afford a doctor, they believe He can heal them. When they praise Him, it’s for hours… when they pray, it’s tearful. Don’t get me wrong, I know there are plenty of Christians in America who love God with their whole hearts and serve Him with words AND actions, but you have to agree… we are pretty content with where we are most of the time. And unfortunately that means we let other things take the place of God because we don’t ‘need’ Him in so many different aspects.  
    I didn’t know who the heck I was anymore. I kept God in my back pocket when I needed Him, but I continued to live for myself. What would make me happy.  I needed God, I just didn’t know it because I had so many things in my life that replaced Him. (Does that answer your question?) 🙂   

If I could title the next season of my life it would be: God Pursues Me.

 Now I know why this Bible verse is used so often. Because it’s true. God wasn’t gone… He didn’t give up on me. I am his beloved daughter… and just like any good father, He picked me up when I fell, He loved me when I let Him down, He blessed me when I didn’t deserve it. I missed Him.  And He was ready and waiting for me to take Him back. Over the next 3 years, I never had one of those traumatic events that radically turned me back to Him. He didn’t perform any huge miracle (although looking back, He was doing small miracles all along and I didn’t even realize it). There was no writing on the wall. He whispered to me. That’s right… He whispered. He reminded me. Every now and again, I heard it, and I listened. I remembered how I felt when I was in a close relationship with Him. I wanted it back. This is how my God works:

     Church started replacing parties and bars. Community group became the gatherings I looked forward to. There was so much to learn, so many new things even though I thought I already knew. See, I knew all the Bible stories. I knew all about God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. I knew OF God, but I didn’t know God. Does that make sense? I couldn’t believe the way I felt after I studied the Word with a group of people and started to understand the way God felt about me. This stuff had never made sense to me. It filled me up. I was starting a relationship.
    I was content for a long time. Somehow I juggled working full time, maintaining a relationship, and chasing after this God I had loved, abandoned, and was crawling back to. Everything was fine, except one thing. I have to be completely honest in saying that God was still not first in my life. I wasn’t partying (much) I was trying my best to love others the way Jesus taught me to… but I wasn’t following His most important commandment “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind, and love your neighbor as yourself.â€� Ah yes, back to that little problem I had in college.. boyfriends.
    My relationship with a man was coming first. God, second. Well, He wasn’t going to let that slide. But I decided not to listen, go figure. I made my plans, I had everything under control. I had even convinced myself and my boyfriend that it was time to get married. He loved me, so he went with it and all was well. It was the next step, right?  One critical mistake in this life-changing decision: I never went to God with this decision. I never prayed about it, I never felt peace about it…. if you don’t know what peace I’m talking about, I’ll explain. Once you get into a deep relationship with our Creator, you just KNOW when He is giving you peace about something. If He’s not, it is pretty clear. The plans you make somehow don’t work out, or you just have this uncomfortable feeling… an uneasy spirit. That’s how God helps you make decisions. Anyway, back to my story… God had not given me peace about the marriage. In fact when it came up, I felt restless.  Of course, I didn’t tell anyone that, including my fiancee, because it could cost me my relationship and I couldn’t have that happen, could I? What would I do?.. there is NO WAY I was going to start over again. Nope, this was it. Time to plan a wedding! I was completely lost in a swirl of planning, rings, white dresses, red dresses, flowers, decorations, venues, dates, invitations, parties, presents, guest lists,  hairstyles,  house shopping, photographs and anticipation. We had even picked out the menu for the reception.

    Let’s call this next season of my life: God Reveals His Plan. Yes, the most critical part in my story. Also the part that made my eyes well up and my voice crack in front of countless people in different cities and countries.
    Have I told you yet that my God is a jealous God? He did the unthinkable. He took away the most ‘important’ thing in my life… my cherished relationship. Yes, that night in early June when I got the phone call from the man I was about to marry, admitting that he wasn’t ready…. wedding’s off. I guess you can say I had to cancel my hair appointment the next day. Of course I was upset. Okay, that may be an understatement too, but I will leave out the details. I had arrived at a critical part in my life. I had to make a decision. I could either BLAME this situation on God and be bitter, or I could fall on my face before Him and beg for His forgiveness and plead for Him to show me what He wants me to do with my life. Well, obviously you know the decision I made. It wasn’t easy though. I’ll tell you what made it a lot easier was the support of my Christian friends. At a time that would have been easy for me to go out and start partying or chasing after another man, my friends and family pulled through. They prayed for me. They prayed with me. We met in community. I occupied my time reading the Bible, meditating on God’s promises, and finding hope in them. I truly believe that God worked through these amazing people in my life to show me His love and His will for my life. I found myself strangely at peace with my ex. I forgave Him quickly, like Jesus teaches us to do. I knew for a fact that God had something extraordinary planned for me, and I was SO ready to find it. Finally. God knew I was ready. Remember that fleeting thought I had about doing Mission work after college?He reminded me of that desire….His timing is perfect.
    My friend sent me a link to her friend’s blog for the World Race. The minute I opened the web-site, I started crying. I knew this was it. I’m talking the VERY MINUTE I  read about the Race, I knew God wanted me to do it. I felt complete, 100% peace. There was no doubt in my mind. Raising$14,000, quitting my job, selling half of my things, saving money to cover bills for a year… minor details. I was going. I needed to know what God wanted  for me. I had to get away and find out.
    If I wrote on this blog all of the ways God has worked in my life these past 10 months, you would be reading for hours, so I’ll spare you. I’ll put it as short as I can. How do you sum up 10 months of transformation? The World Race has opened my eyes. I have stepped into the role that God created for me. Nothing that used to matter to me matters to me anymore. I have fallen completely head over heels for my Savior. He is my everything, my best friend, the one who loves me without fail. There is absolutely nothing in this world that I need more than Him.

(Not to mention: to do ministry in bars in Thailand, to lay hands on and pray for people with tuberculosis and HIV, to befriend drug addicts and drunks, to share Jesus with Hindus, Muslims, and Buddhists, to hold pant-less children until they fall asleep… just to name a few.)
    Man, is it good. And trust me, as I strive to bless His children, He is blessing me in every way imaginable. I feel like a different person. He is has restored joy, ignited a flame, given me the desires of my heart. My heavenly Father… He gives good gifts. 🙂 This year I was able to discover my passion for street kids and homeless children. And I mean PASSION. I have fallen in love with every single child I’ve met this year, and I want to DO something about it. I love teaching, but I honestly don’t think it is my passion. Not after the injustices I have seen this year in India, Nepal, and Africa.  God has stirred my heart for the Nations, and I can never go back to ‘normal.’ I know it is only a matter of time before He calls me back to one of these countries, or even another. Either way, I know my life is never going to be the same… but that is for another blog….
     I just wanted to conclude with some quotes from notes or letters I’ve received from my squad mates.  These people got to experience my transformation first hand. They were there with me through the struggles, and the breakthroughs. Thank you Lord for giving me this story to share. I glorify You through my testimony and with my life….