Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night with the need to write?
These past few nights I have.
I'd love to say that I jumped out of my sleeping bag and ran for a pen to write.
I'd love to say that I instantly started pouring out what my soul was longing to share.
I'd love to say that I responded to the urging of my spirit.
But I didn't.
To be honest, I rolled over and went back to into my dreamworld of tomorrows.
Back into my head where there was quiet in the world, where things made sense and were logical.
Back into my head, into the world I created there with air conditioning, western toilets, and that little thing called alone time.
And last night, I was suddenly hit with this overwhelming burden.
I felt as if I was sinking under this wave of discouragement and uncertainty.
I felt like I was drowning emotionally.
This morning wasn't much different.
I tried to spend time in the Word but couldn't concentrate.
I yelled my frustrations out to God and had teammates pray for me but I still felt cruddy.
I decided to hide in my tent and felt God say "write."
Write what?
I'm pretty certain that most of you don't want to hear about what my soul is screaming at my heart.
And yet, He's still whispering in my ear to share.
And so (after a rather wordy and rambly explanation) I introduce you to my soul and it's thoughts.
Enjoy. 🙂
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Africa has been hard.
I landed on this continent with HUGE expectations.
My sister LOVES Africa and I knew that I would too, of course.
Wrong.
We've been in Eastern Africa for three months.
That's 90 days surrounded by noise and chaos.
That's 12 weeks of miscommunication and being taken advantage of.
It's been a long while in the middle of a continent of whose culture I just don't get.
And while I just want to vent off the things that I just don't understand, I'm going to refrain because while these countries have made absolutely no sense to me, and the overall general public opinion of Africa might be skewed in my mind, this entire journey has encompassed that feeling.
Yes, Africa has been hard.
But so was Asia.
So was Central America.
And so was (will be) the United States of America.
It's the end of month nine on the race.
It's been 270 days of having no idea what's happening.
It's been 36 weeks of living on top of each other, scooting around squaddy potties, and awkwardly standing in the midst of conversations happening about you but not being able to decipher exactly what is being said.
Why is Africa any different?
Why do I feel like Africa is worse?
Why is my team chopping at the bit to leave this continent?
Why am I daydreaming about anywhere but here?
Why is the general consensus on the squad "get me out of here!!"
I believe it's because we are tired.
We are exhausted; emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
We have been running at full speed for nine months.
Contrary to popular belief, our lives are not glamorous as we spread God's love to the nations.
Example?
-Think of all of the modern conveniences you have in your lives. (Electricity, A/C, fridge, washer/dryer, etc.)
-Ok, now throw them out the window like they don't exist.
-Replace your flooring with dirt or tile that can never seem to stay clean.
-Move your bed over and add two more mattresses.
-Add about 15 people to your household.
-Cue the loud music and constant chatter.
-Throw in some roosters, goats, and toads that are so loud they find their way into your dreams.
-Pick out four outfits and toss the rest of your belongings in the trash can.
-Let's throw in a cook there that makes you the same two meals, everyday.
-And to top it off, a few people who speak broken English and are constantly asking you for money.
I believe that sets the scene.
Granted, if you ask anyone on our squad – none of us really mind the living situations all that much anymore.
At first, it was a shock, but now – we are use to it.
It's become our lives.
It's become who we are.
It's just not who we want to be anymore.
We are tired from it all.
We can smell home.
We can see the finish line and it's making us antsy.
We no longer want to jog to the finish, we want to sprint with all that we have.
A haze has started to cloud our vision.
Instead of watering our grass over here and being present, we are dreaming
about the other side of the fence.
Countdowns have started.
Conversations have turned from "I wish we had (insert type of food here)"
to "I can't wait to eat (insert food here) in (insert countdown) days."
Girls are already planning outfits in their heads from the clothes in their closets.
It's becoming a madness of wanting something but knowing that there's a waiting period.
And it's becoming a burden.
All of it.
The being here, the wanting to be there, the countdowns, the expectations, everything.
It's not ok.
At least for me.
I want to be in the present.
I want to water the grass on this side of the fence.
And yes, I want to be home.
I want to be surrounded by my family and I want to be able to shower and be clean for longer than 10 minutes.
I want everything that America has to offer.
But. . .
My place is where God calls me.
And He's called me on this journey.
He didn't call me to participate in nine months of the eleven.
He didn't call me to throw in the towel because I'm tired.
He didn't call me to set cruise control as soon as I found out our go home date.
He called me to spread His love for eleven months around the world.
He called me to be present where He's placed me.
He called me to love the people He puts in my life; no matter the country.
He called me to be here.
Yes, it's hard.
Africa has been HARD.
Asia was HARD.
Central America was HARD.
But I find my strength in the Lord.
I keep telling Him – where you go, I go.
He lead me to Ruth 3:5 yesterday.
"And she said to her, "All that you say to me, I will do."
This is the point in Ruth's story where Naomi is telling her to go lay under Boaz's covering on the threshing floor while he is sleeping. It was so that Boaz would redeem Ruth by providing her with a son. Boaz ends up waking and goes to the gate the next day to proclaim that he would redeem her and he takes her for his bride. (There's a lot more to the story. You should read it – it's one of my favorites and full of God's redemption!)
Ruth obeyed without asking why or understanding.
And Naomi didn't ask her to do something easy.
She asked Ruth to go sneak into the threshing floor and lay at man's feet.
She could have been punished.
But, she obeyed because she trusted Naomi.
It was probably hard.
It was probably terrifying.
And yet, she went.
She went, God showed up, and all was well.
(Even to the point of Ruth getting to be a part of the Messiah's bloodline!)
So, I decided that if I say that I'll go where ever He calls me and be like Ruth then I need to be like Ruth through and through.
And that means obeying fully.
Ultimately, it means trusting and finding the positive in all things.
Yes, I'm tired.
Yes, I can smell Christmas and Starbucks, and all the lovely things of home.
Yes, I can almost feel the cleanliness I'll get to feel in a few weeks.
And yes, I've eaten more 'coping' chocolate this month than all nine combined.
But..
I'm also made strong through Christ.
I can smell the gardens behind the house we are staying in and the charcoal burning.
I can hear the cheers of fellow believers singing to God.
I can hear the giggling of children, trying to untangle a goat from a tree.
I can hear Carter singing on his guitar, and Paige laughing as she helps him with a rhythm.
I can see community working flawlessly.
I can see God moving in our lives in different ways.
I know that I'm with my 'family' here, too.
And I don't know about you but the present list is quite a bit longer than the wish for list.
I suppose it's time for me to get out my watering can.
but with a sprinkling of love and a wee bit of time,
I'll find myself standing in the midst of a
flourishing garden of the present.
<3tasha.
