Independence… what exactly does this word mean to me as a Christian, as an American and as a woman? Being halfway through the race I am reminded of how deep my independent streak runs. 5.5 months of never truly being alone, of being at the scheduled mercy of your team and your contact, of being told to share what is on your heart, of having people invade your space, of having men treat you like an object.
5.5 more months of that; how am I going to do it?
Independence… does it exist on the race? Am I going to feel stifled for the next 5.5 months? I was so confused about my feelings, not understanding why I was feeling stifled and like I was going to go stir crazy. I love my team, I love the race, and I love our contacts, what is wrong with me? Why am I not appreciating this more, am I just a high maintenance girl who does not like to be controlled? Is there something wrong with my spiritual life? Is this godly or am I letting my flesh have control? Should I feel bad about not always wanting to live in this community? What is wrong with me??
Mulling this over in my head and taking it to the Lord, begging him for answers I finally realized something. He created me to be independent; he created me to love freedom, to love wide-open spaces and to love being alone. This is me, it’s not sinful of me to desire an occasional day to myself or to crave adventure that is spontaneous and exciting. In his goodness he has even given me freedom in my relationship with him. I am free as I follow him and allow him to lead and guide my life. I am free as I obey his commands. I am free in his love and mercy. I have been freed from my sins and from my own worldly desires. Isn’t it only natural that I crave freedom in every aspect of my life?
That being laid out, no I do not expect anything to change when it comes to the team or the Race. Things have been organized in such a way that is best for people as a whole. I am still praying into what personal independence looks like within the parameters of the rules that have been put in place for my own good. It seems impossible sometimes with living in community but I know that my Lord is faithful and he is my heavenly father who gives good, surprising, and wonderful gifts to his children when they ask.
Who knows, maybe I will go crazy and be a hermit when I get home!
