Loud karaoke, barking dogs, crowing roosters, crying babies, motorcycles, yelling kids, all distractions and all plenty annoying. It’s enough to make me want to find the “Off” button that I wish existed so I could get some peace and quiet. This is the town that never sleeps. When I slept outside on the balcony the other night I could hardly sleep because there was consistent noise and karaoke for most of the night up until about 3am at which point the roosters and dogs took over.
It is so hard to focus, so hard to get any time to think clearly. Honestly, I have no idea if God is talking to me right now, I can’t hear! This month has been one of challenge and discomfort. I have grown so much but in that I have seen my own selfishness and my own desire for comfort. Yesterday was a day of pain.
I was able to run for the first time in a couple months and it felt so good! I was praising the Lord for his goodness in healing my leg, and his goodness in letting me feel the freedom of running without pain. When I got back from my run today the pain was back. I tried to ignore it for the first half of the day but by lunch it was unbearable. I took the rest of the day off from ministry and ended up sleeping and watching movies. It was such a low point for me because I felt let down by God. I thought that he had healed my knees and that he had given me that freedom, but then the pain was back worse than ever after just the second day of running.
On top of the pain in my knees my lungs have been burning with whatever is in this air. I’ve had to use my inhaler pretty consistently. Today we found out that our contact’s granddaughter, who lives with them and whom we have been around frequently, has tuberculosis. If you don’t know, I was diagnosed with latent tuberculosis my freshman year of college and had to go through 6 months of medication and blood tests. At the end of it I was told that I was probably more susceptible to contracting active TB the next time I was exposed to it. There has been a lot of fear in my heart of getting active TB. I wasn’t really scared of the latent TB especially because I was home and could go to doctors I trusted, but here I don’t want to step into any doctor’s office if I can help it. I also don’t know much of how the symptoms show themselves and what they look like. What if I don’t find out what it is until a couple months down the road and it’s harder to treat? What if I have to go home? These thoughts have been running through my head all day and it doesn’t help that my cough has gotten worse.
That brings me to the low point of my day. I was sitting watching movies letting my mind go numb when all of a sudden I realized how miserable I felt. Beth had gone to get me a sandwich from the other house since I could barely get up and walk down the stairs. I was so grateful but yet ticked that I had to ask for help. I didn’t want her to have to help me. I hate feeling like a burden. I wanted to be able to walk over to the church myself and get my own dinner! I began thinking about home and how nice it would be to sleep in my own bed and take care of my body by icing my knees and going to a doctor who could tell me what was wrong. I thought about how it would be so safe and comfortable. I selfishly didn’t care at all that I wanted those things, I selfishly didn’t care that the people here live without any comforts. The thoughts that ran through my head were only about me. I didn’t understand why God would have me here in the Philippines if I was going to be in so much pain I had to miss out on a day of ministry. I figured that if I was just going to sit around and watch movies then I could at least do that in the comfort of my own home without the barking dogs, karaoke, and yelling people. I thought about how useless I felt and that I wasn’t even doing any good here. I thought about how mad I was at God for what felt like him abandoning me here in the Philippines when I needed him most.
I sat in a corner and began to cry. I was at the house where we don’t have Internet so I couldn’t contact anyone from home to talk to. I felt so alone. I felt so trapped. Then Beth came over to see what I was doing. I tried to hide the tears streaming down my face because I was embarrassed. I didn’t want her to know that I wanted to go home. I didn’t want her to know that I was scared and felt like a failure. I didn’t want anybody to know. I wanted to be strong and for everybody to think that things were always peachy for me here where God had called me. Fortunately, Beth saw my tears. She sat down and just let me cry and vent. I told her everything in a jumble something similar to my brain and thoughts this month. She sat and listened then spoke life into me with encouraging words. My tears soon turned to us laughing about the really bad karaoke and the fact that a cockroach was running across the wall above my head. She prayed over my body and prayed away my fears. She let me be vulnerable and I let myself trust her. I was able to be encouraged to keep pressing on in this race.
I was able to dry my tears and realize that I didn’t want to quit, that my race wasn’t over. I don’t know why my body seems to be shutting down on me while on the race. I’m not sure what lesson I should be learning but I guess all I can do is just let myself trust God. All I can know is that God did see my tears and even though I felt abandoned he sent Beth to comfort me and speak life into me. I know that he feels my pain and he hurts with me. I am still learning that his grace and mercy cover me when I fail and when I struggle.
