This is 2 of 2 of Humility, death to self, and security alarms (Part 2)
Well, as you can imagine, struggling with the fear of failure, not measuring up, feeling like I need to ‘perform’ well, this hit me like a ton of bricks. I went home that day and cried, and slept, then cried some more. Was I sad I wasn’t in India? Yes. Was I sad that I wasn’t with my team? Absolutely. But I fully believed they would do well, learn a ton, and get to serve in amazing ways so I was not worried about their well being (although I did be sure to pray for them). What was I sad about?…feeling like a major disappointment. Having not felt like I had control over much for months, this felt like the absolute let down. You could easily say that I was prideful in my ability to be ‘responsible’ ‘on top of things’ ‘put together’, losing a passport does not bode well with those desired descriptors. I lose an earring or a journal or my bible at church…but my passport before a big trip? Um, that does not equal responsible. I kept thinking about having to tell people that yet again I did not lead the trip I had talked about leading. That yet again, people were so gracious to give money toward the team that I was now again not leading. That these parents who trusted their teenager or 20 something into my care had a girl who couldn’t take care of herself. That I wasn’t a good leader. That I was an embarrassment, not a good representative of the church. That I wasn’t responsible and if I was I would have known it was missing the moment it went missing and already had a new one signed, sealed and delivered. That if I wasn’t this, or was more of that. Phew, even writing that is exhausting. I could not seem to view it as a mistake; this became a full blown attack on my identity.
I had floods of texts, from a lot of people I didn’t even tell it had happened. So many people were there for me, it was amazing and hard at the same time. Friends coming over to sit with me, pray for me, let me cry, listen. It was so nice but yet at the same time so much harder because instead of walling up and stuffing it down I had to deal with it. Even still I could not get out of my own head. It took me meeting with a sweet and dear friend of mine, Jan Bisenius, to snap me out of the spinning cycle of self pity.
Jan has a way about her of delivering things in the sweetest way, while at the same time the most cutting truth. When I say cutting, I mean cutting off the fat, excess, and good for nothing stuff. When it came down to it, all I was doing was thinking about was myself. I could not get over myself and what I now thought people were going to think of me. You know what though, it really isn’t the end of the world if people view me as less responsible, I am just like everyone else in that I can forget things at times…and I sure as heck will have a lot more grace for someone now if they make the same mistake. It wasn’t like someone died, lost their salvation or was terminally ill. It wasn’t like I was being sinful and belligerent and just rebelled to get out of the trip; it was an honest mistake that could happen to anyone (and apparently, according to my travel agent friends, happens to a lot of people).
You know what was also a humbling realization? The word God gave me as I was crying out to Him on the drive home. “God, WHY?! I have been so exhausted and now this, WHY?!” and in His calm and gentle voice that is so easily recognizable as my Father’s, He calmly said, “It was for your glory and not Mine”. OUCH. Ouch ouch. Who wants to hear that from the Creator of the Universe? What I realized was that in all of my exhaustion the trip morphed from the excitement to partner with God in serving this team and the people at Happy Home for the Handicap, to my hope in this trip filling me back up; being an escape from whatever I was working through back home. Ew. When did that happen? I have been trying to control and run my own life for so long, I think He really wanted the reigns back but when I wouldn’t hand them, He used this (whether He caused the passport to go missing or simply capitalized on the circumstances to bring in a lesson) to grab those reigns back. Talk about feeling out of control! A small piece of paper kept me on the other side of the security line and inside of our own country. Honestly, I think God could have used me on the trip despite myself, taught me a ton through the trip, could have worked through me…but I am so thankful for the lesson. I want every breath of my life to be about Him, not me. I am so thankful that He humbled me and helped me to sit myself right back down at His feet. Please God no; I do not ever want to do be doing ANYTHING for my glory. Nothing. What I want is exactly what Jan has spoken about countless times and was gracious enough to repeat that Sunday night, “It is about death to self. Have an audience of one, Natalie”. Honestly, no one is as great as our God. Nothing can compete, why try?
“Whoever seeks to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it.” – Luke 17:33
“Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. – John 12:24
And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. – Luke 9:23-24
So you also must consider yourselves dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus. – Romans 6:11
I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. – Romans 12:1-2
The saying is trustworthy, for: If we have died with him, we will also live with him; – 2 Timothy 2:11
When things like this happen other people begin to share some of their own past struggles. It blew me away how honest some people were with me as they related to my story. Our stories were quite different, but the theme being the same of us trying to control our lives and yet not being able to. Vulnerability breeds intimacy. It is a harder place to be but a much more beautiful place to be.
Friday, Saturday and Sunday were hard, but come Monday morning I truly felt the joy of the Lord pulsating through my veins. I felt a new freedom, like my very skin could breathe again. Now, there is still more to process and wrestle through, especially turning down the volume on those accusatory voices as the creep back in. However, I feel like for the first time in month things might really be on the upswing. I do not ever want to run away from a learning opportunity.
Plus, there are so many blessings. Christmas time with friends and family and the opportunity for some much needed rest. Love you all, praying for you!
Please Lord, help my stubborn heart to learn these lessons quickly so that you do not have to repeat these teaching moments. God, I surrender my life to you. Thank you for your grace and compassion. That you are so slow to anger and abounding in love. God please help any of my friends reading this who just need to feel close to you right now, may you draw near to them.
