I was told that during this time of year John chapter 6 was pretty a good chapter to read. So that’s what I did, I went to starbucks, and had a moment to read. I came across this verse, “Jesus answered them and said, “Amen, amen, I say to you, you are looking for me not because you saw signs but because you ate the loaves and were filled.” John 6:26.
As I was reading this it came across to me as ironic, when looking back at my life. Now I am not calling the story ironic, I am saying in relation to where I was about 7 years ago in my life and my relationship to Jesus. Unlike those people who were seeking to be filled by Jesus and the Holy Spirit, I was seeking emptiness. It started off as just a way to get in shape, then it became an obsession. I wanted to see how far I could go with being as empty as possible, there were days I wouldn’t eat, days I would eat and then go down the road of trying find the best way to be empty again (don’t want to be too graphic but I think you know what I mean).
It went from a small diet to an obsession, that took over my life. I was getting to a point where black coffee and two saltines were too much for me, I didn’t know who I was. Looking in the mirror was an everyday battle as well as pretending to be happy. I was lost and trying to find myself in this emptiness I called a life. Where really underneath it all, I needed to be filled with food yes, but more importantly with the spirit, with God’s undying love. So luckily I was called to go on a retreat where I was being filled with love and the spirit, plus there were a lot of hugs. However that wasn’t the complete end of my journey. I was being pulled to both sides, I wanted to be filled, however something in me wanted to stay empty. To stay in my comfort zone, a life that I wasn’t ok with living. I finally escaped that, I finally came to God’s table. This is my first time really opening up and sharing this part of my life that had me for about 5-6 years of my life. But reading that verse helped me, and now I want others to come to God’s table, to be filled. An empty life to me was a comfort zone, but it wasn’t comfortable. I was uncomfortable all the time, but God’s love filled me up and pray that he gives me (and you, yeah you) the strength to fill other’s lives up with his love, no one deserves an empty life.
God Bless, Natalie Staniewicz
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