The word
MOMMY
does something to me. It does something to the deepest places of my heart. It gives me a tingly feeling, almost like butterflies (but a buttload of them) and makes my innards dance.
It’s the same thing that happens when Laurel falls asleep in my arms.
The same thing that happens when Busi is sick and cries herself to sleep on my chest.
The same as when little Adrian chants my name every time he sees me.
The same as when any of the babies hearts beat against mine as they nap on me.
The same thing that happens when Kiran walks in the room and sees his mom and says cheerfully “hey mommy!”
The same as when Grady is crying so I pick him up and he grins so big at me then lays his head on my shoulder.
I can’t really put into words what it does to me.
I’ve always loved kids. When I was uhhh in 7th grade, however old you are in 7th grade, I went to an orphanage for the first time and my heart broke… but I fell in love. I went back 4 more times and every time I left, a piece of my heart was left there. I always thought I cared too much, or I just told myself that I thought the kids were really cute and that’s why I loved it.
But that love never stopped. I have always said I wanted to adopt. But again I just figured I “happened” to really like kids. Don’t a lot of people really like kids? But this month God is showing me new things. He is telling me that the desire to be a mom isn’t one I got by chance. He is telling me to quit pushing those longings back in and brushing them off. That the desire is from HIM.
And He very well plans to use it
IF
I surrender.
EVERYTHING.
About a week ago, on the way home from the market, God said to me…
“Surrender it ALL.”
He screamed the “all” part and then showed me that I say “I’ll surrender it all to you, AS LONG AS…”
He said that “as long as” part has got. to. go.
That sentence up there is usually ended with “as long as I get to move back home with my family.” Then when He said to surrender it all I thought
Surely He won’t have me relocate away from my family?
Certainly not halfway across the world.
And all I got was
SURRENDER.
So.
I surrendered.
I surrendered my wonderful wonderful parents who have been a huge part in making me the woman
I am today, and who are my biggest supporters.
My brothers who are absolutely hilarious and are my best friends.
My comforts of America.
My worldly possessions.
Because I want to be used by the God who has called me by name to serve Him
And I can only be used when I am fully surrendered to Him.
He is speaking to me a lot this month, and like I said earlier, showing me that my desire to be a mommy is from Him. Fully surrendering is painful. It's hard, and it's taking a huge step into the unknown. But honestly, it's a beautiful place. I was talking the other day with one of my dear new friends, Eilidh, about what the future may hold. And the thing is, it's not my choice. I have no power over it. I am just called to surrender, listen to the Lord, and He is going to lead me where He wants me.
He’s gonna fulfill my desires, in fact, He is gonna blow me away. Call me crazy, but it’s been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember to be the mom to a big multicultural family. I used to think I was
just crazy, now I know God specifically placed that in me.
So here I am. In South Africa. Surrendering and listening to the Lord. Fighting at times asking Him to not put me away from my family. But He always reminds me that it is only in surrendering that I can fulfill
my purpose and find true joy. I'm waiting on Him.
And I know that somewhere along the path He is going to give me my own set of rowdy, precious, hilarious kids. And somewhere along the path, I am going to have my own little voices saying
MOMMY
