I honestly don’t know where to begin this blog. So I’ll start with what I know.
Something is happening to me.
I’m crying. On behalf of other people. With regularity. At times, seemingly uncontrollably. I’m… feeling.
I’m sitting across the table from one of my Racers. Desperately desiring to hear their heart and their fears. Eagerly anticipating the moment when I’ll have the blessed opportunity to speak life and truth into them. I’m… listening.
I’m learning of a situation that could potentially end with a Racer being sent home. And my first instinct is to throw up my hands and explain why I’m not qualified to handle it. Because I’m not. But then the Lord speaks and He shows me exactly how to place my feet as I lean into Him that much further. I’m… dependent.
I’m willing to stand in the gap and walk alongside my squad through the muck and the mess to ensure they get to the other side. I’m… protective.
I’m constantly wanting to check-in to see how they’re doing and how I can be challenging, encouraging and praying for each of them. I’m… for them.
I smile when I see them after being separated for the month and my heart lights up. I’m… in love.
As a self-proclaimed action-oriented, clear and level-headed thinker who appreciates maintaining a little distance from the emotions of others so as to be able to make structured, efficient decisions – I’m WAY out of my comfort zone, and therefore constantly feeling out of control. And I’ve been holding myself in contempt for it.
But no longer.
Because that’s what the enemy wants. He wants me to feel ashamed for feeling out of control – and keep me in a whirlwind of confusion, doubt and ineffectiveness. He wants me to try to push away these beautiful feelings and emotions and compassion for people – because then I would never be able to step into the fullness of all God created me to be.
Well – satan – I’m not about that life any more. I’m choosing in: to the messiness and the process – both in myself and in others. I’m stepping into the fullness of myself in Christ. And you’re done playing games – with me and those whom God has given me to serve. I’m all in.
To wrap up this blog, I want to share a letter of forgiveness I wrote to myself a few days ago. For me, it sums up the current state of my heart through all of this. And I couldn’t be more excited for what the next few days, weeks and months look like as I continue to walk all of this out. Please keep myself and my squad in your prayers. We’re fighting the good fight and running the race.
Natalie –
You’re good. You’re so good. I forgive you for feeling ashamed or insecure or unproductive for the place you’re in. I forgive you for feeling out of control and out of place in that. Because the truth is – you’re not. You’re perfectly aligned and God is doing something magnificent. Trust in the process. Trust in the Lord’s goodness. He’ll see you through this. You will learn. You will adjust. And you will experience greater heights, and lengths, and depths of God’s love and His Kingdom because of it.
God’s got you. He brought you to this place – He’ll see you through. Not only do I forgive you for feeling all the things – I applaud you. I cheer you on. I forgive you for freaking out – BUT QUIT TRYING TO BE SO IN CONTROL ALL THE TIME. Because deep down, you already know who’s in control. And you know it isn’t you. So stop with all the trying.
GROW. Grow THROUGH this. Accept the growing pains for what they are – momentary. They will NOT last forever. They won’t. But you already know that. Be willing to step outside of the box you’re placed yourself in all your life – and step into who God has called you to be. FIERCELY PROTECTIVE. PASSIONATELY CARING. UNASHAMEDLY FEELING. BEAUTIFULLY BROKEN. SOFTLY SURRENDERED. and TENDERLY TOUCHED.
You are my hero – and all I’ve ever dreamed of being. I love you.
– Nat
For His Glory,
Nat
