I’m currently in Month 7 of my Race. Month 7. And I just find it hard to believe.
It’s the most incredible feeling to be able to sit back and recall all the memories made, lessons learned, bonds forged and life lived in these last six months. In all the right ways, I was so wrong about where I thought I would be or what I thought I would experience in this time. When I set out on the Race, I anticipated that God would reveal more of Himself to me through the love I hoped to pour out on the nations. And in some ways, He has. But it’s also been way more than that. More than anything else on this Race, God has set about revealing me to myself – the way He loves me, how He sees me, increasing my ability to receive His outrageous love, maturing me spiritually, mentally and emotionally in order that I may walk out the fullness of my inheritance in Him. And it is by being able to see myself (through His eyes) more clearly that I can even begin to try to wrap my arms around who He is as my Father, lover of my soul and closest friend.
One of the most profound ways in which God has been teaching me about myself is through my World Race community. We World Racers talk about community a lot – how much we love it or hate it in any given moment; and how community can be really, really hard yet really, really rewarding. We lament and struggle with each other through this new “feedback” lifestyle and the seemingly life-sucking black hole we refer to as “being vulnerable”. We laugh. We cry. We do our best to “fill each other’s love tanks”. I’m not sure how I managed to do it – but I honestly set out on this Race without stopping much to consider this idea of community. If and when I talked about it with supporters, I spoke mostly of the struggle I anticipated in learning how to love my teammates. But I never really considered how much this community would change me. Or how God would use my community to mold me, shape me and ultimately, reveal more of who I was created to be and Himself to me. With that in mind, I want to tell you a story. One that beautifully illustrates how God can use community (even a single person, in fact) to change the trajectory of a life.
Meet my teammate and friend, Christopher.
Chris is hands-down one of my most unique squadmates – and I say that with absolute love and adoration. He’s known to say things that make you go, “Huh?” and run through the streets trying to be aerodynamic (try to envision his face leaned forward and his arms thrown back behind him – then you’ll start to get the picture). But all goofiness and perceived awkwardness aside – Chris has an unbreakable spirit and a strength within him that often leaves me in wonder and fascination. He’s also one of the most selfless people I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. I don’t have to think back very far to recall any number of times that Chris loved me in exactly the right way I needed in that moment – a kind or encouraging word, a gesture to let me know he was there if I needed him, and sometimes just catching my eye and giving me a legitimate smile. Above all else, Chris is unapologetically and unashamedly real – you can always take what he says at face-value; his faith and trust in The Lord is absolute; and I consistently find myself inspired by his responses to the most mundane of questions. That’s just who he is.
So on the evening of March 2nd, when Chris was jumping on a high-performance trampoline and both of his legs snapped under him, breaking multiple bones in the blink of an eye – it felt like my world crashed a little more than just a bit. And every moment since then has been an ongoing lesson in trusting, leaning and depending upon God’s goodness and faithfulness.
In the immediate aftermath of Chris’ accident, I remember two distinct sets of emotions welling up in me: sadness and grief for Chris and what the loss of his presence would mean to me and our squad; confusion and disbelief as to why God would allow something like that to happen to someone like Chris. Below is an excerpt from my C&C’s (Celebrations & Challenges) that week:
I was heartbroken at what happened to Chris – and I struggled through it hard-core for a number of days. I remember feeling just so out of control – mostly emotionally, but physically and spiritually as well. I cried constantly. I couldn’t sleep at night. I couldn’t relate to the way some of my other squad mates viewed Chris and his injury (with immediate awe and wonder). To be honest, I was upset with God and I asked “why?” a lot. He has since answered me in beautiful ways and has been so good in walking me through every. single. step.
You see – I used to be one of the least emotionally expressive people I knew. Sure, I can get excited and I don’t have any issues letting you see that side of me. But when it came to sadness and grieving – I had never learned how to deal with that. Crying just wasn’t allowed growing up and my family didn’t do “vulnerability”. You learned to toughen up and get over it. So my first instinct and reaction to those painful emotions became “RUN AWAY” or “SHUT DOWN”. But on the Race – you don’t really have the luxury of running away from your team. And yeah – I guess I could have continued to shut down emotionally any time something hit too close or got too hard. But if I wanted to do that – I could have done it much more comfortably from my couch at home. I didn’t come on the Race to always do what I had done before. I wanted more. So when my emotions came flooding in the days following Chris’ accident, I didn’t do anything to try to stop them. And God was faithful in holding my hand through it all. Another excerpt from my C&C’s:
He’s using Chris’ injury to spur me on in being more intentional with my squad/team mates. His injury has pushed me to be vulnerable in ways I would have thought impossible back at Training Camp. And its brought out things in me that I thought had died off or been snuffed out a long time ago.
To be continued.
