Over the last few weeks, I seem to have stopped having independent thoughts, and everything has come from music. Today was a day just like any other.
And tonight is a time of true confessions, so I'm turning on Hillsong and getting to it.
This afternoon I FINALLY went downtown to get my India visa. I like to joke that, even though I'm a month late getting it, it's still a month before I need it, so that's progress, right? One of my best friends asked me if I washed my hair for my picture.
"Yes," I proudly replied, "But it was about 4 days ago, when I thought I'd be getting this done."
Normally, I'd be complaining about how gross I am, but these days, I just don't care about anything, and I'm really just glad that I even made it to the processing office.
Which, unbeknownst to me until I arrived, was right in the heart of Georgetown.
Dear old Georgetown. One of my favorite places on the planet… usually. But apparently this apathy that has settled about my shoulders like an unwanted cloak has decided it's not ready to leave. I spent about thirty minutes meandering up and down M Street, soaking in the sights and sounds I hadn't seen in forever, as the crunchy orange leaves swirled around my feet, and well dressed people marched by, on their way to their next shopping binge.
Normally, this place energizes me with all of the excitement and life it tries to sell at a thousand dollars a bottle. But today, I was neither enthused nor even attracted. Nothing caught my eye, held my attention, or even illicited a smile.
But here's where the shameful part comes in.
As usual, the streets were filled with people. There were rows of well dressed glamazons, and tucked into the corners, trying to be seen without being trampled, the homeless held out their hands, beging for a few coins or a warm drink.
Normally, my heart feels like it's being clawed right to the very core, and I want nothing more than to help these people who have nothing.
But today, I DIDN'T EVEN CARE.
Why didn't I care? What could possibly be eating me up to the point that I have no sympathy or empathy for those who have nothing, when even on a bad day I have been blessed with so much??
I remember one night when I was downtown with my then- boyfriend, and he was giving away every dollar he had because there were just so many homeless, needy people. He told me that night, "I've been there. I know what it feels like to have nothing, and so even though I don't have very much, how can I not give what little I have? Sure, that guy might use it on cigarettes or alcohol, but he'll face his own judgment for that. When I stand before God, I want Him to say, you may not have had much, but you didn't withhold blessings from others."
Which is exactly what I did tonight. I closed my fist around the little I had and gave up not only the opportunity to BE a blessing, but also to allow God to bless me back.
Why?
Because I was too wrapped up in myself.
Life is hard, but GOD IS GOOD.
Life gets messy, but GOD IS IN CONTROL.
I may feel empty, but GOD LOVES ME NO MATTER WHAT.
All these things are so easy to believe when I'm surrounded by people who love me, when I'm enjoying what I'm doing, when I'm happily flitting from dance to Starbucks with a junior high student to hanging out all night with friends, and my phone never stops beeping: new text! new text!
But regardless of how I FEEL, regardless of who is or isn't in my life, regardless of my schedule or emotions or inbox, truth is truth, and God's faithfulness is constant.
I'm sorry I didn't offer the man in front of the coffeeshop a hot drink. I'm sorry I walked by, like the religious men who walked ahead of the good Samaritan on the road to Jericho, with no concern for their fallen brother as they stuck their noses in the air and feigned ignorance,
I'm about to spend a year loving people with nothing. There will be days when I feel like I myself have nothing to give.
But it is when I'm at my emptiest that what I pour out will be all God, and isn't that the best thing to pour out? If in our weakness His power is made perfect (2 Cor 12:9), and if we are to consider trials to be pure joy (James 1:2-4), and if I know that as a Christian I have been promised blessings when I am persecuted for Christ (Matt 5:10-12), then who am I to wallow in sorrow and despair?
Lyrics are defining my life right now. It's time for me to stop being a hearer, and remember what it means to be a doer of the Word.
Oh You bring hope to the hopeless
And light to those in the darkness
And death to life
Now I’m alive
Oh You give peace to the restless
And joy to homes that are broken
I see You now
In You I’m found
And You opened the door for me
And You laid down
Your life to set me free
All that I am will serve You Lord
And You opened my eyes to see
All the wonder and awe of Christ in me
Jesus You’re everything I need
Oh You fill those who are empty
And rescue those in the valley
And through it all You calm my soul
Oh You find me in my weakness
And heal the wounds of my heartache
I worship You in spirit and truth
