Tonight my team and I finished out our India ministry. This month has been one of the most incredible and one of the most draining experiences of my life. God has moved in so many ways. He has used my team for everything from casting out demons, to healing the sick, to baptizing new believers. He has called us to be Jesus to the people we have met and we have stepped up to that call. We have loved, we have laughed, we have prayed, and we have preached. Whatever has been thrown our way in ministry, we have taken head on. We have charged into battle with the full backing of God, but that hasn't stopped the enemy from fighting back. Now that I have slowed down enough to look back at this month, I realize I am carrying many wounds and many scars myself.
I realize now that there have been many attacks on me personally. As we rode home from ministry tonight in our jeep and we bumped down a long dirt road in the middle of nowhere, I had a chance to look at myself and I didn't much like what I was seeing. We came out victorious this month, but I am so battle weary that I fear I might not be of much use in Thailand. One of the first things that they told us when we got to India was that this place is the devil's playgrounds. We were told to stay prayed up because the attacks would be coming from all directions. I have slacked in that area though. Not only am I so spiritually and emotionally drained right now that I can barely keep a constant thought in my head, my body is so beaten that it literally hurts to breath. I try to ignore these things and just "play through the pain", but at this rate I might not make it out of month three alive.
Throughout this month I have spent countless hours praying for others to be healed without even noticing the brutal beating my body has taken. I suffered through over two straight weeks of diarrhea. I have dropped a huge amount of weight because of the heat. Early on I stepped on a jagged rock at the beach and punctured a hole the size of a quarter through my heel. Because of that I walked with a limp for a week and a half. Just the other day while at the beach again, I body surfed a huge wave and got slammed into the shore with so much force that I think I may have cracked a rib. Today I woke up and due to that injury it is excruciating to breath. Later this evening, a child from the village we were doing ministry in dropped a whole stack of plastic lawn chairs on my head and almost knocked me clean out. Whether or not these things are a direct attack from the enemy is debatable. The way that I have reacted to these things and let them effect my mood and my personal relationship with God is definitely spiritual though. I have not once sought prayer from the people around me. I have used the condition of my body as an excuse to skip daily devotions and quiet times. I have reacted poorly to my team and not loved them the way I should have. I have been a total wreck outside of ministry and still strapped on my boots and headed into battle.
The physical pains are one thing. I have a few days now to rest and recuperate. The ways I have let the attacks rock my world both spiritually and emotionally are something completely different. On one front God has used me to kick the enemy's ass all over some of the villages we have gone to. I have used the authority given me through Christ Jesus and watched a demon do anything I have told it to. Seriously, I could have told it to drop and give me fifty push-ups and it would have had to comply. (There is no better feeling in the world than experiencing God's power working through you and seeing someone who has been tormented and tortured set free right in front of your eyes.) On other fronts I have been constantly waving the white flag, though. I have given the enemy permission to run rampant in many areas of my life and just made excuses and believed the lies.
Something I have learned over the last year or so is that confession is one of the best ways to combat evil. When you walk in the light, the darkness cannot touch you. Something that they say in the AA meetings is that "you are only as sick as your secrets". That statement is by far the most profound thing I have ever heard in one of those rooms. The enemy loves to stack up our sins in hidden places and use them against us. I am through playing those games with him though. I have a mission to complete and I will not let him deter me from that no matter how hard he tries.
In the spirit of vulnerability and transparency, I am going to step into the light. The little secrets that have stacked up over the last couple of months aren't going to hold me down anymore. I will be walking into plenty more battles in Thailand and beyond, but this time I'm coming with my armor in tact.
While I was in Nepal and into India, the enemy was trying to come at me with dope dreams. I would dream about getting high and wake up angry because for a split second I still thought I had ruined my sobriety. I would quickly realize that they were just a dream though. God has completely healed me of any desire to actually get high, so that plan was foiled as soon as I would wake up. I guess it was time to get tricky. Since those dreams have been a bust, he started coming at me with lustful dreams. I am a man after all so he went to the attack that he knows works on most men. This plan has had more success. It would be inappropriate to go into detail, so I will leave it at that. He has also hit me with times of unexplainable anger. He sometimes takes small annoyances and quickly turn them into fantasies in my mind of cussing someone out or even physically attacking someone who definitely doesn't deserve it. These tend to be pretty quick and are easy to recognize. The area that has really taken a hit is my prideful thoughts. It is very easy to start boasting over things like I'm actually the one doing them instead of boasting in the God who is doing these things through me. I think this is probably his favorite attack for missionaries and anyone in ministry. Pride was the sin that got the devil thrown out of heaven and it is still his favorite today.
So, how do I continue to fight back on all fronts? I just confessed to three things that have been bottled up in side of me, but what now? How do I keep walking in the light? How do I continue to get ready for battle everyday so that I can be of the most use to the kingdom? The answer is simple. God has already equipped me with what I need. It is just my responsibility to use the tools He has blessed me with. I must put on the armor of God everyday. I must stay in the word no matter how tired I get. I have 43 other warriors here right beside me. I need to be vigilant in my personal prayer and ask my squadmates to pray for me when the need arises. I must stay vulnerable with my team even about the "little stuff". I have seen up close and personal just how depraved the enemy can be. I have walked in darkness and my savior has walked me back out. The enemy will constantly try to drag me out of the light, but his plans are backfiring. I am learning now to "pray through the pain". He can't scare me. Now I'm just pissed and I am watching out for his tricks.
Please pray for my squad as we prepare to walk onto whole new battlefields in Thailand. The enemy is obviously scared that we are coming. G Squad and I are ready to march into battle and we are bringing Jesus with us. If he has any idea what is good for him, the devil will run and find somewhere to hide. Jesus already won the war on the cross. Now we are doing our victory march. We are coming for the enemy and any of his minions that are brave enough to show their ugly faces. God wants His property back now and He has commissioned us to clean it up for Him using nothing but the power of love. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I pray that you will recognize the places in your life that the enemy likes to attack and fight back accordingly. Love Y'all!!!
