Thailand has been a lot of things for me. It has been heartbreaking, angry, loving, enlightening, challenging, fun, adventurous, growth. This month I have had the opportunity to see women selling themselves because it makes more money than working at the 7-11. I have seen people offer food to the ‘gods’ that descended to Phuket last week for the start of the Vegetarian Festival. I have looked at images of self-mutilation to prove that the ‘gods’ (demons) give protection. I have gone through mood swing after mood swing. I have been challenged by teammates to look inside myself and seek change. I have seen people running after the Lord with their whole hearts. I have been one of those people.
This month started off rocky for me. I was bombarded with heart breaking events taking place all around me in the streets of Patong. I was hit in the face with the reality that many people in the world walk around with blinders on not seeing the darkness and cruelty that happens around them. This was really hard for me to deal with. About the second week we were here in Patong my mood shifted overnight. I woke up one morning angry and I stayed that way for about 5 days. Bitter, angry, wanting to be alone. I still am not sure what caused that, but one morning I woke up and was fine. Was this spiritual warfare? Absolutely. Did the Lord bring me out of that, YES! See I figured out something in those 5 days that I never have before. Instead of sulking in my mood, I went to the Word. Even though my mind was telling me to watch chick flicks I read His words. Slowly the Lord released me of that anger, that hold that the enemy had on me. This triggered something, a yearning to read His word. If reading it could bring me out of that what else could it do?
I have read over the passage of the sower more times that I can count and I always skim over it not understanding. I don’t want to take the time to ponder what it means, what each soil means. This week the Lord threw this passage at me not once, but three times. He wanted me to study it. What are the soils, who are the soils. I first started stressing ‘am I the hard soil, maybe I am the thrones that choked the Word out.’ Which soil am I? Then He revealed to me that wanting to be in His word, staying connected with Him always, making Him my number one means I am good soil. If I listen to the Word and listen from God, but say ‘nah I’d rather do this on my own,’ then I am not good soil. Following the Lord is hard, I’ve realized that, but it is also so rewarding. Being able to quote scripture to back myself up shows me my growth. Wanting to take decisions to God first shows my growth. Realizing that I want to love God more than myself shows growth that shows that I am good soil.
I have often wondered if my faults and stumbles in my walk with God made me ‘not a good Christian.’ I have learned that even the ‘best Christians’ stumble. It is the actions you take afterward that define your true relationship with the Lord. The Lord needs to be the first and the last course of action. This month I have learned this lesson; the Lord is my first and my last. He is my friend, my love, and my sower.
