I sent this letter out to my prayer supporters yesterday… but I just decided that it was worth a blog as well.  I fight against making the more difficult things in my life public, but I think it’s right in this situation.  

 

 

January 22, 2014

 
I got bad news yesterday.
 
I lost almost 1/3 of my monthly financial support.  I knew it might be coming, but I still felt like the bottom was falling out. 
 
I truly believe this is from God.  The people who were giving are very prayerful and I trust that they are hearing from God.  I get the very distinctive feeling that God has some things to work through in me, and continuing to receive that support would be a hindrance. 
 
That fact does not make it easier. 
 
So I did what any self-respecting 32-year-old woman would do, I wallowed.  I perfected the bed flop from a variety of angles and sobbed under the covers.
 
I yelled at God and let my self get good and angry.  After feeling like the loneliness of the moment would consume me, I texted a few close friends to pray.  I got crazy mad at God and lamented the fact that I’m not called to work a 9 – 5 job with steady pay and nice benefits. 
 
Finally after talking it out with a trusted mentor, I realized the truth behind my anger.  I was scathing mad at God for putting me in a position where I have needs.  From a young age I learned to value self-sufficiency more than anything else.  Raising support goes against every fiber of my being, because not only do I have to admit my needs, I have to let people know my needs and trust that God will use others to fulfill them.  Basically, for lack of more articulate words, it sucks. 
 
So I cried, and prayed, and asked God why?
 
Then God began to answer. 

            I’ve designed everyone to have needs. 
            I’ve done that so you will know your need for me.
            Interdependence is actually my gift to you. 
            Independence is your idol and I want to break it. 
 
After that I did all the things I NEVER allow my self to do, I contemplated quitting missions, took a nap, and skipped the gym. 
 
Today, I woke up asking God what He wants me to do.
 
At this point I honestly don’t know how next month is going to shape up.  I don’t know how to fix it or how to raise support well.  I’ve spent too much time coming up with strategies I don’t follow and making up 5-point support raising plans. 

I don’t know how ends are going to meet and that terrifies me, but somehow it actually strengthens my resolve. 
 
I know one thing for sure.  I’m called to missions. 

Ministry wise, the last few months have been the best in my entire life.  I LOVE my work and count it a colossal privilege every single day to live out my calling.  God has been moving my projects forward much faster than I could ever imagine.  He seems to be doing good things and taking me along for the ride. 
 
So, today, I’m playing my most sappy girl-conquers-the-world music while putting thoughts to paper.  Sing it Taylor Swift and Britt Nicole.  I’m crying a little, but the anger has morphed into a fragile peace. 
 
Today, I’m also asking for help.  Independence has been my idol for as long as I remember.  The thing about idols is that no matter how bad they are for us, it seems safer to cling to them than face the unknown.  Before I start support raising again I need friends to prayerfully embark on this journey with me.  I want this idol broken of for good, and I’m not strong enough to do it alone…. 
 
 
I wrote the paragraphs above yesterday.  That afternoon my car started making a very unsettling noise.  After a trip to the mechanic, he called with the devastating news that my engine had failed.  I’m looking at a $5,500 repair if I fix it at all.  It took everything in me to hold back my tears till I was safely off the phone. 
 
I’m truly at the end of my self and yet I know that’s exactly where I need to be.  

God is doing something deep, good, and worthwhile, and thankfully He is working even when it feels hopeless.
 
My request is this.  Will you commit to praying for me every day through the end of February?  I would love your prayers for God’s provision, but I need your prayers for breakthrough!  Will you also seek God to see if He is asking you to help provide for those needs in any way?