The sickening pop was loud. The girl next to me turned to see what had broken. I was running against a giant rubber band and at first I thought it had snapped, then I tried to put weight on my right leg and it wouldn’t cooperate. Pain started to radiate from my calf.
I hobbled a few steps and sat on the conveyor belt of an unused treadmill. The people in my small group training class circled around, asking if I was ok, offering to get ice, and bringing me Advil laced with Codeine (which I have to admit is good stuff.)
My mind bounced back to a similar sickening sound. I was a junior in high school. One of my good friends was springing me on a trampoline. I landed wrong and in one fateful second my knee locked and bent to the side. Pop! My ACL was gone, the cartilage was torn, and a bone had chipped.
I sat on the treadmill trying to make sense of the crazy circumstance. Fear begin to weave it’s dark tentacles though my thoughts. What if this injury was like my ACL? I can’t afford an injury and I don’t have time to recover.
Just this last week I started to feel like all the details in my life were coming together. I had finally felt good enough set up support meetings and schedule wise I had everything planned out. On Thursday I was going to fill a backpack with a few needs, take the trolley to the border, cross over and meet up with Cindy a missionary to Mexico on the other side. I was planning on spending a few days down there to check out the ministry and get everything together for an upcoming mission trip. After that Cindy and I would ride together to the NCCC Women’s retreat where I was asked to lead a workshop. As the throbbing in my leg worsened, I wondered if I would be able to do any of that.
Unwelcome tears of fear mingled with physical pain begin to stream down my cheeks. Silently I prayed, “Jesus, help guard my thoughts right now, keep them from careening downward, and heal what ever happened to my leg.”
I insisted that I was capable of driving my self home and refused help out my car. I had enough shock mixed with strength to press the gas pedal. It hurt so much to keep the brake down I had to put my car into park at each stop light. Tears continued to fall down my face. My fierce stubbornness is not always a good trait. Maybe, just maybe, it’s something Jesus wants to work out in me through all this.
After I arrived home my sister and my roommates got me situated on the couch and took great care of me. They wrapped my leg, brought me ice, prayed for me, and Molly even made me delicious chicken soup because it’s what I was craving. I’m truly blessed by the community that surrounds me.
Last night I researched my injury. Looks like I tore my calf muscle; at best it will heal in a few weeks, at worst four months. I woke up this morning and still can’t put weight on my leg, it’s frozen in a weird position with the toe pointed. All I can do is rest, ice, compress and elevate. Resting is not one of my gifts.
Before falling into a pain med induced sleep I read a chapter in Seth Barnes new book Kingdom Journeys (free download is available for one more day here.) These words jumped off to page at me, “I teach those who go on kingdom journey the importance of pressing into pain. If you feel uncomfortable, then probably something good is happening. When we loose focus and run from pain, we miss our chance to grow. It’s natural to want to retreat to the isolation of our false self.”
Lately I’ve been trying to give up the things I run to besides God. I recently wrote a post called Quitting Consumerism about a little part of that quest (the update to that post is coming, I promise.) Last week my roommates and I started doing a elimination diet and one of my goals in that was to quit using food for anything besides nutrition. Yesterday morning I told my roommate that I was thankful I still could work out. Today I don’t know how long it will be until I get that back. Last night I seriously prayed that God would protect our cable and Netflix, it’s the only vice I have left =).
I don’t know what the next few weeks hold, which is frustrating. I have no idea if I’ll be capable of going to Mexico this next week or when I’ll be able to drive again. My prayer in this time is to press into the pain and not miss the chance God is giving me to grow through it.
