I was 23 and brimming with post college insecurity. A job running the youth ministry at achurch in Carlsbad had brought me from Oregon to San Diego.
I woke up with a feeling of dread in the pit of my
stomach. In preparation for the
meeting I put on my most masculine outfit, a large yellow tee shirt and baggy
blue shorts, pulled my hair back and slipped on some strappy sandals, not the
cute kind, the kind worn for river rafting. My hope was to blend in and any amount of femininity might
hinder that goal.
stomach. In preparation for the
meeting I put on my most masculine outfit, a large yellow tee shirt and baggy
blue shorts, pulled my hair back and slipped on some strappy sandals, not the
cute kind, the kind worn for river rafting. My hope was to blend in and any amount of femininity might
hinder that goal.
The room in the Ralph’s shopping center was dark; as my eyes
adjusted about 25 men came into view.
Butterflies danced in my stomach and I contemplated turning around,
making up an excuse, and getting out of the boys club. Before I had a moment for action a
gruff voice boomed above the quiet conversations. “Hey guys we have a lady with us now so keep it clean
ok.� The tension was broken, I
wasn’t too worried about the guys in the Youth Pastors network being dirty, but
the blatant call out dissipated the awkwardness of being the only woman in the
room. The short burly man yelled
out to me again, “We are ready to eat, why don’t you pray for us.�
adjusted about 25 men came into view.
Butterflies danced in my stomach and I contemplated turning around,
making up an excuse, and getting out of the boys club. Before I had a moment for action a
gruff voice boomed above the quiet conversations. “Hey guys we have a lady with us now so keep it clean
ok.� The tension was broken, I
wasn’t too worried about the guys in the Youth Pastors network being dirty, but
the blatant call out dissipated the awkwardness of being the only woman in the
room. The short burly man yelled
out to me again, “We are ready to eat, why don’t you pray for us.�
In line for food I learned that the loud voice belonged to
Bear. Over lunch we talked about
God, youth ministry, our families and lots of other stuff. Bear’s candor was a breath of fresh
air. During that season I was sinking
in ministry stress but didn’t have anyone outside my job to confide in. Bear offered to talk me out to lunch
and mentor me. I gladly took him
up on the offer!
Bear. Over lunch we talked about
God, youth ministry, our families and lots of other stuff. Bear’s candor was a breath of fresh
air. During that season I was sinking
in ministry stress but didn’t have anyone outside my job to confide in. Bear offered to talk me out to lunch
and mentor me. I gladly took him
up on the offer!
We would meet and talk about everything. He loved the fact that I threw shot put
and was strong. Bear told me how
he coached football for his sons and about his beautiful daughters and amazing
wife. He reminded me that I was
marryable, something I struggled to believe and needed to hear from a man. As I fought through a dark season with
God and the Church, Bear gave me the gift of a safe space where messiness was
accepted. When we sat together it
was ok not to be ok. The God Bear
loved was big enough for my imperfections.
and was strong. Bear told me how
he coached football for his sons and about his beautiful daughters and amazing
wife. He reminded me that I was
marryable, something I struggled to believe and needed to hear from a man. As I fought through a dark season with
God and the Church, Bear gave me the gift of a safe space where messiness was
accepted. When we sat together it
was ok not to be ok. The God Bear
loved was big enough for my imperfections.
One day as we were talking at Panera he asked, “Morgan, what do you do for fun?�
“Well, um, I, um… just started going to a Young Adults Bible
study.� I realized even in my
answer that my life was consumed with the ministry I ran.
study.� I realized even in my
answer that my life was consumed with the ministry I ran.
“Bible Study doesn’t count,� He retorted so loud that a few
old ladies eating near us turned their heads. “You need some off time or you are going to burn your self
out. I try to take time every week
to turn off. Sometimes I go to the
base and go shooting, it’s just me and the gun, it’s not possible to think
about anything else when focusing everything on that target. Sometimes I go to movies by my
self. I sit in the back row and
turn the outside world off for two hours.
You need to find your gun.�
old ladies eating near us turned their heads. “You need some off time or you are going to burn your self
out. I try to take time every week
to turn off. Sometimes I go to the
base and go shooting, it’s just me and the gun, it’s not possible to think
about anything else when focusing everything on that target. Sometimes I go to movies by my
self. I sit in the back row and
turn the outside world off for two hours.
You need to find your gun.�
“I guess I could play volleyball, I love focusing on the
game and can loose my self in the play.�
game and can loose my self in the play.�
After that lunch I started playing Volleyball again and
having that outlet was my saving grace during that season. It provided weekly respite where I could
emotionally turn off.
having that outlet was my saving grace during that season. It provided weekly respite where I could
emotionally turn off.
Through out the years I always loved seeing Bear. I ended up getting a job at North Coast
Calvary Chapel where Bear worked. His
boldness was inspiring, his presence an encouragement and his comedic timing
genus.
Calvary Chapel where Bear worked. His
boldness was inspiring, his presence an encouragement and his comedic timing
genus.
One day the staff was praying for me before a Swaziland
trip. As he prayed he prophesied,
“Morgan, this thing you are doing, when you are thirty it’s going to be a
movement.� I turned thirty in
August and in light of stepping out into full time missions, I’m excited to see
what God was showing Bear when he prayed that.
trip. As he prayed he prophesied,
“Morgan, this thing you are doing, when you are thirty it’s going to be a
movement.� I turned thirty in
August and in light of stepping out into full time missions, I’m excited to see
what God was showing Bear when he prayed that.
Finding out that Bear died last week was devastating. I still feel like I’m going to see him
shuffle into staff devotions or burst into our office and say something
hilariously inappropriate. He
lived full out, boldly proclaiming the gospel, making the most of every
moment. On Friday I went to the
beach and as I was praying for Bear’s family, I saw an image of Bear as he
entered Heaven. He didn’t enter
quietly but instead let out an eardrum shattering, Braveheart style yell with
his arms thrust in the air.
shuffle into staff devotions or burst into our office and say something
hilariously inappropriate. He
lived full out, boldly proclaiming the gospel, making the most of every
moment. On Friday I went to the
beach and as I was praying for Bear’s family, I saw an image of Bear as he
entered Heaven. He didn’t enter
quietly but instead let out an eardrum shattering, Braveheart style yell with
his arms thrust in the air.
