As I sit here in Zion café, sipping my iced mocha and wiping the sweat from my forehead every two minutes, so many thoughts run through my head.
I was just telling my friend, Chelsey, that I can’t quite put the things running around up there into words. I know what I feel. I know where I am. But I don’t know how to express it.
Discomfort.
That’s the best word I can think of. Not the bad kind, but the good….at least I think.
But that’s not all. It’s so much more.
Last month in Swaziland, God really showed me the journey I’ve been on the past 8 months. He’s shown me how I’ve grown and how I’m not the same girl that sat oh so quietly with her team on day one. It was a time of relaxation and rest and just sitting in the peace of my creator.
So I was surprised the week of debrief in Koh Chang, Thailand.
You know those times when you feel like you are a really bad person? Not on the outside, because you make sure that the outside always looks nice, but on the inside; the places where no one else sees. I became aware of every selfish thought, every time I thought I deserved something that I actually didn’t, every time I made sure I got my way without thinking of others first, every time I let my emotions control me, every time I thought highly of myself, every time I hid behind the faces in the crowd so no one else could see the filth I was seeing in myself.
I started to feel like a horrible person and I started to feel sorry for myself.
But God snapped me out of that real quick.
He told me that He was showing me these things for a reason.
He didn’t tell me why….but He told me He was the one showing me, and that it wasn’t just one of those phases I fall into of feeling horrible about myself every once in a while.
He told me that it was something more.
What. The. Heck, God.
Why would you put me through this? Why do you have to show me all the ugly inside me?
Why can’t You just cover it up and make me feel good again.
“It doesn’t work like that.”
After traveling overnight to Chiang Mai, I began to feel something different.
Loneliness.
On the word race you are surrounded by people 24/7. So needless to say, I haven’t felt lonely in 8 ½ months. It’s impossible when you can’t go anywhere alone.
“Okay, God. Is this another stage of whatever you’re trying to do to me?”
“Yes.”
Its hard being in a place you don’t really understand but knowing you are supposed to me there.
He has given me a little bit of info regarding all these feelings that I thought were so negative.
So far, my growth has been easy. So far, it’s been the “let’s find out who Molly really is and let Me show you how I see you” stuff.
He’s grown me and taught me and He let me relax and reflect for a bit. And He said that now was the time for the hard stuff.
So, I’m a little uncomfortable.
I’m uncomfortable in feeling a little broken.
I’m uncomfortable in the almost unbearable humidity and heat of Thailand.
I’m uncomfortable in the loneliness.
But I’m learning that be uncomfortable is okay.
I don’t deserve to be comfortable.
Being comfortable is a little selfish.
And being comfortable doesn’t allow room for growth…important growth at that.
I have no idea what His crazy plan in all of this, but I’m okay with it.
It’s allowing Him to be the potter and let Him mold me, even in uncomfortable, painful positions.
Yet you, Lord, are our Father.
We are the clay, you are the potter;
We are all the work of your hand.
Isaiah 64:8
