Irrational Fear

 
e·mo·tion
[ih-moh-shuhn]
noun

1. an affective state of consciousness in which joy, sorrow, fear, hate, or the like, is experienced, as distinguished from cognitive and volitional states of consciousness.

 
Emotions.
I am a very emotional person. Anyone who has ever met me can agree.
But I also am horrible at expressing them with words. I can’t do it. All I do is cry.
I cry when I’m sad.
I cry when I happy.
I cry when I’m angry.
No matter what I’m feeling, I cry.
 
That being said, music has always been my way of expressing how I feel. I don’t write it. I don’t play it. But when I hear a song that expresses the same emotion I’m feeling, I hold onto it. I’ll listen to it time and time again until my emotions change and I find another song to cling to.
 
My emotions have gone haywire the past couple days.
I find myself getting angry and frustrated more easily, and I’ve really kindof been a “Debbie Downer” lately. Not that I’ve shown it. I like to hide my emotions as well (when I can). But inside my head I’ve thought every negative thing I could possibly think about myself.
 
And I’ve been afraid to talk to people.
 
Growing up, I was always that “quiet girl in the back of the class.” Seriously. People used to make fun of how quite I was. For instance, when I was in like 10^th grade, I sat at lunch with some seniors. One day this guy was sitting across from me was playing with some mustard packets. Of course, it had to bust and squirt the yellow, smelly condiment ALL over my face. And me, being the quiet person that I am, simply let out a little gasp and wiped it off with a napkin. This guy totally ignored the fact that he just got mustard all over my face, and just laughed because I didn’t get mad and I didn’t say a single word. And I still didn’t say anything.
I was so quite because I was scared of people.
I was scared about what they were going to think of me. I was scared to say the wrong thing. I was scared to make myself look like a total idiot. I never knew what to say. And in doing that…. guess what? I looked like a total idiot.
But when I found what God called me to do with the rest of my life, I grew a new confidence. I could actually hold a conversation and not worry about if the person thought I was stupid when it ended. I really was a new person.
 
But these past couple weeks I’ve withdrawn. My fear of people has come back.
I’m afraid to call someone back when they leave a voicemail about donations for my WR Yard Sale. I’m afraid to go up to people at church and tell them about what I’m doing. I’m comparing myself with my Worde Race teammates and can’t even come close to the amount of amazing these people are. I am even terrified to skype with them and get to know them because I don’t want to look stupid.
I’m just plain scared, and I really don’t know why.
 
I know that I am constantly under attack because a certain someone doesn’t want me to work for my Savior. And these attacks hurt.
 
Tonight at choir we practiced some big songs; Songs that will bring people to their feet because of how powerful they are. I had listened to them before. I knew the words. But I wasn’t feeling like I’m feeling now when I listened to them before. And both of the songs that stirred up my emotions reminded who my God is, what He is worthy of, and what He can do.
 
You are Holy, Lord.
“You are worthy of all honor,
Full of glory, full of power,
God almighty, God of victory,
We give you praise.”
 
We sing this line about 6 times. My Daddy is worthy of ALL honor. He is FULL of glory and power. He is almighty. He is victorious. And I will give Him praise. With a God like that and the fire He has set to my heart about missions…..Why in the world should I be scared?!
 
The Great I Am
I have to put a video of this one so you can listen to it. Scroll to the bottom and press play! 🙂
Don’t just skip it! LISTEN.

 
Can you imagine a world where everyone is worshiping our Creator and singing…
“Hallelujah, Holy, Holy
God almighty, Great I am
Who is worthy ?
None beside Thee
God Almighty
Great I Am”

 
Can you imagine that? That’s what I’m working towards. And I’m going to be afraid to go up and tell people about when I’m doing?!
 
I’m not going to be scared anymore. I’m going to pick my chin up, and let everyone know who I’m on fire about and what He is going to do through me and my WR team in 2013.