Growth… I have seen a lot of growth in myself these past 10 months of the race, along with others who have seen the same growth in me. I have grown in ways that only the Lord could have taught me. I have learned to appreciate community and rely on others for support in anything that I do. To listen to the world around me, and help others even when they don’t ask for it. I have also learned to let go and to forgive.
I have been hurt in the past by men who I trusted and thought they meant the world to me. I’m talking about men that I have dated in the past that had hurt me. For the longest time I held the hurt deep inside me, trying to make sense of what I did wrong or what I could have done better.
The hurt ran so beep that when I was put on a team with two men, I started to attack one of my team members Joshua with my words to push him away. Joshua, who is a great and Godly man, thinks of others before himself and is a great brother to all of us women on the team. He is also always preaching the word of God to anyone, even if they have a rock in their hands to throw…lol. He would try his hardest to be friends with me, but the more that he pushed the more I would push back. I would yell at him for no reason.
Looking back on it, I realized it was the hurt that I had bottled up inside of me for three years and I just ignored it. The thing is some wounds go too deep to just ignore. I kept going over in my mind the fights and arguments I have had with these men. The thoughts that I was too skinny, that I wasn’t allowed to wear black because it made me look too thin, that I was told that I should drink muscle drinks to gain weight, or that I looked like a complete fool in the clothes that I was told to wear. The feeling of not being enough was hard, but I would do anything they wanted me to do, because at that time I didn’t want to lose what I had.
While being on the World race I have had so much growth. I have learned to love myself just the way I am. I have moved on from my past, and I guess writing this is the final goodbye to the hurt that has been done to me.
With the growth I have had, I am able to laugh at myself, love children that are bad, and give more of myself to ministry.
I give all the glory to God because without him I wouldn’t be here at all, and know my worth.
