About a month ago I performed with the Contemporary Dance Ensemble for the last time. And in that show, people saw (whether they knew it or not) my truest vulnerability.
See, dance is my release and my catharsis. The emotions I express on stage and in the studio alike are from the depths of my ever wandering heart. And I don’t dance for others, I don’t even dance for myself, I dance for the Lord. As much as I enjoy exposing this gift to others, my utilization of this ability is between me and my Father. It is my coming to the alter, admitting my failures, revealing my weakness, my cry for strength and in parallel, His offering of grace. Dance is one of the most spectacular gifts I have received and in turn, I yearn to give it back as an act of worship.
With that said, the dance I choreographed for this semesters was, in all of its existence, an offering to the Lord. I explained how this dance was meant to evoke the rediscovery of dreams and ambitions that have faded throughout the years. But in this explanation, I excluded the fact that this dance, this meaning evokes my own personal experience of the journey God has taken me on to end up here; writing as I prepare to travel anywhere and everywhere for His greater purpose. For there have been too long of times I have lost track of the Lord’s purpose in my life. Too many times I have suffered from distraction, an unfaithful heart, and even from apathy. But praise God that He is ever faithful to remind me of my greater desires that align with His will. And in this remembrance, there is freedom to be found. And this freedom, which was intrinsically embedded in my choreography, was the lasting concept that the audience left with.
I find it amazing though that I could choreograph a dance that would exude expressions of freedom without such intention. For I am just now beginning to understand the true meaning of freedom in Christ.
For a long while I have been building up my life to be exactly as I have intended. I have created my own world, constructing a house that I deemed beautiful and my own. And I have been filling it with everything I have wanted, everything that I believed would yield happiness. But this world slowly and deceivingly proved to be insufficient. I became numb inside of it, thinking all is well all the time. But low and behold, God began shattering all the aspects of life that I claimed to be my own. There was a tipping point, a moment it all began. In surrendering one brick, the house quickly came tumbling down. And He is still in the midst of breaking it, breaking me, day by day. It is a humbling process at its peak of necessity. And this humbling process is one of the hardest things I’ve had to experience. But in my brokenness, as I stand in the rubble of the house I built for myself, there is freedom. As the Lord continues to tear apart my world, He releases me of the lies I created, the lies of what life should be like. And as I stand without any walls around me, as my world is torn apart, I am free to be a part of His. Freedom, once and for all.
“Remember what happened to Lot’s wife! If you cling to your life, you will lose it, and if you let your life go, you will save it.” –Luke 17:32-33
Now I know with certainty that I would not trade that freedom for any of the treasures of this life. Rather I cling to my life in the next. Where freedom is abundant and glorious.
“Rather, we fix our gaze on the things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.” -2 Corinthians 4:18
Thus I pray. I pray that the Lord continues to expose my pride and strip me of all that I hold onto over Him. And I praise God for this freedom. He is ever faithful. Hallelujah.
