I shaved the side of my head.
Yikes. My closest friends know that I have wanted to do this since my junior year of college. Whenever I tell people this, they have a three-part reaction:
- Laughter. Conservative, ballerina Molly shaving the side of her head? Don’t be ridiculous.
- Serious consideration. Once the hilarity dies down, people consider what I would look like and actually believe that I could pull it off.
- Questioning. Why don’t you do it?
Once we reach stage three, I am prepared to explain why I can’t do it.
College answer: I am still dancing and I need to be able to put my hair in a nice bun/ French twist.
Grad school answer: I need to be professional.
Pre-World Race answer: I don’t want to have to worry about the awkward growing out stages while I don’t have access to a mirror and hair appliances.
Subconscious answer: My family will think I have lost my mind.
On Thursday night after ministry I was sitting in the mission house on my top bunk, trying to write a blog. My squad mentor, Erika, came into the room and said that another girl on my squad was getting the base of her neck shaved by another squadmate. I mentioned that I have wanted to shave the side of my head for a long time, expecting another one of my typical conversations where I shock someone and then discuss the possibility of my dream coming true one day. This time, however, Erika and my teammate Catie turned to me and said in all seriousness, “You should do it right now.”
My heart started racing and I began to tense up, for once feeling like this might be the time. I climbed down from my bunk bed and headed outside to where my friend Jason had set up his barbershop. I nervously listened to other people’s opinions, while thinking through my own reasoning. I questioned how I will feel about this when I am living out of a tent in Africa. I questioned whether or not I was being peer pressured.
And then I shocked myself by saying I would do it. Within a few minutes I had found a picture of what I wanted, shown it to Jason, and I was sitting in a seat surrounded by most of the squad as Jason began parting my hair for the shaving.
Later that night as I sat in bed reflecting on what I had just done, I began to cry, feeling the emotional release of my adrenaline and the sense of loss for my former look. I think I had valued my appearance more than I realized. I think I had treasured the comfort of my familiar hair styles, and I had allowed myself to be defined by my ability to blend in with cultural norms both within the professional world and the dance world.
I opened my Bible, seeking a reminder from God that I am more than my outward appearance. I came across 2 Corinthians 3:12-18:
Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. We are not like Moses, who would put a veil over his face to keep the Israelites from gazing at it while the radiance was fading away. But their minds were made dull, for to this day the same veil remains when the old covenant is read. It has not been removed, because only in Christ is it taken away. Even to this day when Moses is read, a veil covers their hearts. But whenever anyone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
After reading this, I immediately reached for my journal. I remembered that when we were in Belgrade, Serbia, transitioning from month one to month two, Erika had asked us to spend some time asking God what He had waiting for us in Romania. In my journal I had written: “Removing the veil from one side of the face.” When God had shown me that, I assumed that it would be someone else who would have their eyes opened to Christ. I had wondered at the time why God seemed to impress upon me that the veil was just removed from one side of the face, but I reasoned in my head that it might mean that someone had already begun to step into freedom and just needed to allow the veil to be fully removed.
Once in Romania, I occasionally prayed for God to show me what He meant by what He had told me in Belgrade. However, as my ministry assignment kept me in front of a computer most days, I began to pray that this month God would teach me something about myself and how He wants me to grow. In the last week I have been praying to see Him work in my life, and my teammates have been interceding for me to see Him moving in my heart.
I now find myself with a literal, physical veil removed from the side of my face. I am the person who needed the veil to be fully removed. This is a physical, outward reflection of the inner work God has been doing in me. In scripture the veil symbolizes the separation of man from God, a symbol of the Old Covenant law and rituals that required people to make sacrifices to atone for their sins. When Jesus died on the cross and the veil of the temple was torn in two, we were all given access to God. Through Jesus, God removed the barrier of sin between Him and man, allowing us to approach Him with boldness.
With the hope and freedom that comes with Jesus and the removing of the veil, how can I not be bold? The kinds of laws and rules that I have built in my life based off of cultural norms and what people will think of me do not stand up to the freedom that comes through Jesus. A small part of me was still living with a veil covering my heart, feeling inhibited by the need to act a certain way to be in the graces of God and people. But that is not the message of the Gospel. Christ died to free us from our sins, to free us from the ways of the world. The Holy Spirit at work in my life has been increasing my boldness, increasing my ability to be steadfast in following Him even when I look crazy to the people around me. John the Baptist was a weird dude who “wore clothing made of camel’s hair, with a leather belt around his waist, and he ate locusts and wild honey” (Mark 1:6), and yet God used him to prepare the way for Jesus. I truly believe God has been placing this desire for complete freedom on my heart for years, and He is pushing me every step of this journey to surrender all of myself to Him.
At World Race Training Camp in June, we were asked to close our eyes and picture ourselves at the end of the race. I know this sounds weird, but the main thing that I noticed was my hair. Other attributes existed, but I kept thinking about how my hair was flowing beautifully and wildly, completely natural. I saw myself confident in who I was and how God was using me, and that confidence was illustrated through my hair. Isn’t it interesting how God took away a piece of the part of me that I visualized as my strength, all to remind me that it is He who brings the freedom and confidence I long for?
God is still teaching me about how to give all my fears and worries to Him. He is still teaching me about how to walk in complete freedom and confidence, focusing on serving Him rather than serving the opinions and judgments of others. He is still teaching me how to be completely vulnerable in a way that reflects His glory. But I am so grateful for His presence and the way He is intricately weaving together moments in my life to teach me things about my identity in Him.
Also, please notice that I can easily cover this if I need to for ministry. My biggest fear is that this would be a stumbling block to the gospel for anyone. I truly believe this was God showing me how to live in my true self rather than serving the opinions of others, but I understand that some people would respond better to a more conservative look. However, others of my generation may be more apt to listen to someone who exhibits this kind of freedom. My prayer is that God would only use this for His glory, and that me sharing the story of what God has taught me through this would only bring people to Him.
Thanks for reading this long blog post! I want to quickly give an update about our next ministry. Tomorrow (October 5), my team will be traveling to Stara Zagora, Bulgaria, to begin month three of the race. Our assignments may include: refugee ministry, Roma (gypsy) ministry, elderly ministry, ministry for women in prostitution, Bible studies, street evangelism, teaching English, and assisting with church services and programs. So essentially, we could be doing anything. Please be praying for us as we transition to a new culture and new ministries! Thank you so much for your prayers!
