So, I wrote this blog about two months ago in India. When I had finished it, I was unsure if I should share it or not. It puts me in a very vulnerable place, and an uncomfortable place sharing these things with people. But it is my hope that through sharing these thoughts with you, God will move through our prayers to break down these struggles I have been dealing with. Thanks!
India has been a weird month for my team. A number of us have been feeling spiritually attacked, myself included. I feel like the enemy is picking at my insecurities and trampling me to the ground. However, the Lord knows my struggles, and He knows just what I need! There is power in my words and I publicly declare that Satan has absolutely zero power here.
Psalm 91:3 reads “For it is He who delivers you from the snare of the trapper and from the deadly pestilence.” This is so perfect in so many ways. If you think about it, it makes sense that Satan is equated to a trapper. Normally traps are not thrown haphazardly all over, but are carefully placed right where the prey is most vulnerable. Satan does the same thing! He is not randomly yelling insults at us, but he gets close, whispers comments at us, targets what hurts the most and where it is most vulnerable. Thankfully, we have a loving God who delivers us. He rescues us from the traps and nurses our wounds back to health. Isaiah 42:16 reads “I will lead the blind in a way that they do not know, in paths that they have not known I will guide them. I will turn the darkness before them into light, the rough places into level ground. These are the things I do, and I do not forsake them.”
God is with us, God leads us, God forgives us and will not forsake us. Praise! But as we get more bold in our relationship with God, Satan gets more bold in trying to derail that relationship, so we must follow the advise of 2 Corinthians 2:11 “not to be ignorant of the schemes of the enemy.” And thankfully I am not ignorant in how he is attacking me, I see it, and the best way for me to fight against it is to share it. To share it, get it off my chest, and cause Satan to lose that foothold in my life. So here it goes.
1) I have a lot of guilt about how I behaved in college. No, I wasn’t a party girl, I wasn’t a law breaker, or anything crazy like that. But I was something worse, I was a selfish, negative, jerk. I was so deep in my own dislike of myself, I wanted to bring others down so that they felt the same or worse. I got really good at pretending like I was high and mighty, pretending that I had it all together, and giving off the vibe that if you didn’t, you weren’t good enough. I was mean. And I hate that I was like that. I am so sorry to everyone I belittled, and to everyone who was ever hurt by me, you didn’t deserve that. You don’t deserve that. You are so stunning. Stay true to who you are because it is how God made you and you are beautiful. I am sorry I was too blinded by my own crap to see that and tell you sooner. I am sorry.
2) Living in community is hard. Like crazy, freaking, hard. Sometimes it seems that when you want to be alone you are constantly surrounded by people, but on the flip side you feel lonely, everyone is hanging out with each other and you feel like a 3/5/7th wheel. You get this weird feeling of jealousy or rejection that is all work of the enemy. But without community like this I wouldn’t grow. I need the alone times to be with God, to do some deeper thinking, and to process my journey. I need the times with people to be called out on my crap, to be called to greatness, and to fellowship with other believers my age.
3) My senior year of high school I went through a pretty traumatic experience with someone who I thought was a friend. He crossed a line and betrayed my trust in a big way. Since then I have gone to counseling, forgiven him, and been able to move on… only not quite. For years I have been struggling with nightmares, reliving the experience with vivid clarity, and with new horrifying twists. It sucks. But at the same time it is encouraging to think that the only time the enemy can get to me is at night, because I am so engaged with the Lord during the day. “Although the sorrow may last for the night, His joy comes in the morning.”
So, there you have it. Three things I am severely struggling with. Three things targeted personally for me, to catch me at my weakest, to affect my ministry, and discourage me by day and night. But no longer. Friends, family, supporters, I humbly ask for your prayers. Prayers against guilt, jealousy, rejection, nightmares, self pity, and, most importantly, prayers against the enemy and his evil works. It is my hope that by sharing this, and laying everything out on the table, it will break any footholds Satan has over my life. Jesus moves in powerful ways, and I know there will be hundreds of more ways I will seem Him move over the remainder of my race.
Love well,
Molly Fae
