(Warning: This will be a quote heavy blog that has been written over the period of a few weeks in various levels of health; so please have grace with me)
“If you’re 22, physically fit, hungry to learn and be better, I urge you to travel- as far and as wide as possible. Sleep on floors if you have to. Find out how other people live and eat and cook. Learn from them- wherever you go.” -Anthony Bourdain
This is the quote that best explains where I was at in life exactly a year ago. I was 21, about to turn 22 in February. I was tired of book learning and ready to learn from experiences. I wanted to see the world, meet people, sleep on floors, have a meaningful adventure. But more than that, I did not want to observe these things, I wanted to experience them, to really be in the conditions others live in, to struggle with them, to encourage, to be an active part in the community I was placed in. So I had signed up for the World Race, an 11 month mission trip that promised all of these things, and more.
“When you’re a kid, they tell you it’s all… grow up, get a job, get married, get a house, have a kid, and that’s it. But the truth is, the world is so much stranger than that. It’s so much darker. And so much madder. And so much better.” – Doctor Who
Fast forward to September, when I set out on my journey, armed with my pack, day bag, guitar, and the knowledge that this next year would turn my life around. By choosing the World Race, I had already made the decision to leave my life behind for a year, and honestly I thought nothing of it at the time. Yet, over the past 5 months, thoughts would creep into my mind wondering what my life would be like if I got a job straight out of college, if I had met and married someone earlier in life, or if I would have just moved back home. It’s always interesting to think of the “what if”, but time and time again God would reaffirm my path, that this trip is the journey I am meant to be taking, and that I am meant to see, experience, and spread his light throughout this strange, mad, and beautiful world.
“Character cannot be developed through ease and quiet, only through the experience of of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” – Helen Keller
Bring it on Helen Keller, I said I wanted to experience things, that includes trials, that includes suffering. I wanted to achieve success in my “life changing year”, and honestly I have. I have struggled with living in community, in finding alone time, in discovering who I am as a person away from family and school; I faced the trials of injures, the trial of living in conditions totally different that I am use to, and I can see growth in myself which I had never thought possible! I have pushed through soreness during long days of manual labor, and at the end of the day I would discover I had fun doing it! I have been learning, changing, and turning my life around by being pushed by my team, my ministry, and my mission. And I want to keep moving, growing, and experiencing.
“I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened…” -J.R.R. Tolkien (quote part 1)
Then, BAM! I hit a wall, December 3rd, a day set aside for my teammate and I to go meet a potential contact in Manila turned into day one of a (so far) month long episode of illness. I woke up with exhaustion, dizziness, feeling tired, all over soreness, a headache, fever, and nausea; in fact I even threw up in the shower that morning… cute, right? I went to the meeting anyway, and kept pushing and pushing to keep on doing ministry, but I found out the hard way that there is a limit to trials and suffering… I’m pretty sure there is a saying that goes “you can only push a brick wall for so long before your arms break off from exhaustion” (or something like that). Well I pushed too hard. I was in so much physical pain, I had high fever, and felt the worst I have ever felt in my life. I kept pushing it though, I even endured a 28 hour travel day on a planes and busses feeling like this. It even wasn’t until I got painful red rashes all over my body days later that I was convinced by the AIM leadership to go to a doctor.
So I did, and it turns out I was diagnosed with Dengue fever (and has hence forth been given the nickname “Dengue” by some of my squad mates). The worst thing about Dengue, you can’t treat it, all you can do is rest… So there I was, in Thailand, probably one of the countries I was most excited about working in, resting in a hostel when the rest of my team was out doing ministry, meeting people, and making a difference. Awesome. But rest I did, and one day, believe it or not, I began to feel better, so I rejoined ministry! That morning I went on a prayer walk with some girls on my team, and by that afternoon I was crouched over the toilet puking my guts out.
That pretty much was the norm for the next 4 days, I couldn’t keep any food or liquids down and then one morning I woke up with difficulty breathing. So I went to the doctor and was admitted to the hospital over night. Apparently what happened was I had a relapse of dengue, which weakened my body, causing me to catch a stomach virus, which caused me to get dehydrated, which caused my heart to work too hard, which caused my blood pressure to rise to an unhealthy level, which caused difficulty breathing. They kept me in the hospital overnight and gave me a couple bags of IV. Fun, right? Well, after that episode I was able to leave the noisy hostel for a bit and stay at the home of some local missionaries, who also happen to be family friends, for some quiet, constant rest. And even though I was (and still am) thankful for their care, I am frustrated this happened to me.
Why did this sickness come to me? How is this a part of Gods plan for my life?
“So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.” -J.R.R. Tolkien (quote part 2)
And that is what I had to do, decide what to do with my time (well my time when I wasn’t sleeping). I had two options: pout or grow. Even though the answer seems obvious and easy… it wasn’t, I pouted a bit, I played the “why me” game, I felt bad for myself, then I got over it. Obviously I was put in this situation for a reason, I needed to find the part where I can grow from this experience.
A phrase I kept saying during my pouting phase was “this isn’t why I came on the race” and that is so selfish and dumb… because situations like this are exactly why I came on the race! I did not want to observe these things, I wanted to experience them, to really be in the conditions others live in, to struggle with them; and that is exactly the circumstance I’ve been placed in. So often we work with sick and injured people, people who are living the “why me” life, people who feel lonely, isolated, people who have struggles like what I am experiencing. I have no idea why this season of my life is happening, but it is helping me learn how to better sympathize with and love on others. It is also teaching me to fully trust God, and to allow other to help me as I recover. And I hope my squad knows how much they lift me up, and that my friends I am staying with in Thailand know how truly thankful I am for their love, hospitality, and care.
James 1:12- “Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those that love Him.”
At this point I am still pretty ill. I stayed back in Thailand to recover instead of travel with my squad to Cambodia. I haven’t really improved and, honestly, there are many times a day I find it hard to remain positive. I get lonely, then I get nauseous, then I get tired, then I can’t fall asleep because my body is to sore to find a comfy position. It’s not fun, but there is a reason, and God will make the suffering worth it. I just need to stay patient, trust this journey, and know that if I leave everything in God’s hand, then I will see God’s hand in everything.
I do, however, ask for prayers of healing! And please pray for K-Squad as they begin ministry in Cambodia.
Love well,
Molly Fae
P.S.- Here are some bonus pictures as a reward for making it through one of my more wordier blogs!
