Yesterday, I worked on a packing list. I scoured the far reaches of blogs belonging Alumni racers to find what should and should not be included. Clicking between the World Race packing list, other blogs, and googling this brand and that price, I searched for answers to questions I didn’t know I had.
Was this the best sleeping pad or was that one?
Should I bring two v-necks and two normal tee shirts or three v-necks and one normal tee?
What’s a day pack? Why can’t I just use a normal backpack… oh that’s why…
Eight hours later, I have a list to begin researching. My questions have not been answered, and in fact I have more. Is this thing the best? Is that thing the best? I have to live with thing for a year is that the one I want? Do I need this? What if I don’t bring it and I need it… there won’t be Target’s in Peru. Why can’t I find a simple waterproof, and anti-theft back pack that doesn’t cost over a hundred dollar?
In the process of goggling everything on my list at least twice, I acquired a sense of frustration. Why does everything cost so much? Why is everything hard to find?Surely everyone else did not have this much trouble.
Halfway through my second round of self doubt, I explode. Storming out of the house because I’m pretty sure I’m suffocating. There’s not enough air for google and me. Standing on the front porch, I let my senses take over.
Listen to the song of the Cicadas.
To the sound of the trucks on the highway and a dog barking down the road.
See the beautiful sunset turning the clouds pink against the blue sky.
Feel the gentle breeze against my face and the rough porch wood against my feet.
Smell the grass, freshly cut by my father.
How am I going to leave this? How am I going take my list, eight hours in the making, acquire all the things on it, Tetris all of those things into a bag, and leave this place.
I don’t doubt my calling to this journey. I have full confidence that my God is going to provide me with the funds to leave and the sustain me for the eleven month away period. My faith in the Lord and the fact he will change me and grow me in this period is unwavering. But is it possible to be homesick for a place you haven’t left yet?
It takes a slow second for clarity to appear. Maybe google wasn’t attempting murder but rather doing its job to search for freestanding, two-person tents under 4 pounds. Maybe my frustration isn’t at the world but rather at my own ability to not a appreciate the gifts I currently have. I’m not going to find the perfect pack because none of them are big enough to take my entire house and family inside. I’m not going to find the perfect sleeping liner because it won’t be made out of the penguin blanket my grandmother made me.
In an episode of “Bones” (just go with me), Bone’s assistant joins the military and she has to find a new assistant. It takes her three months and she still haven’t found a new assistant. Then her co-worker tells her that she won’t be able to find a replacement because you can’t replace something that you love. You can only find something to do the job and keep moving forward. I’m not going to find the perfect pack, but I can find one that can do the job. I can find a sleeping bag that will keep me physically warm.
I hope that next five months will help me appreciate what I have. I pray that I will be able to see the light and not get caught up in the details. I pray God shows his love through me and helps me give myself the grace he’s given me so that I can swim through the oceans of self doubt that will come my way in the coming months. But also, that he can help me love my family and friends the way he loves me.
