When you choose to go onto the mission field, you know that you are choosing to change. Not only do you encounter new cultures that help you gain worldly knowledge, meet new people that work in your life to shape you relationally, and experience situations that help you grow in wisdom, but you also have the amazing opportunity to spend more time getting to know your Heavenly Father. This sometimes changes everything. I think that half of the time I avoid spending time with God, because I don’t really want Him to change things. I am comfortable where I am. I know how to handle or at least stay afloat in my current situations. Growth is hard. It’s uncomfortable. It forces me to move and shift my thinking. Growth is allowing God to shine a light in all the dark corners of my heart/mind, expelling all the darkness. The World Race has been a time of much growth. Since we are technically halfway finished with our Race, it’s time that I share some of that with you.
This Race for me has been a time of healing. There was a lot of pain that I was holding on to from my divorce because I honestly didn’t know how to deal with it, nor was I sure I could. You see, I’m the strong one. I’m the one with the answers or at least some encouraging words when others are hurting. I’m the one that is full of joy and can bounce back from anything. I’m the hard worker. I’m the one you can count on to help or volunteer. I’m the good girl that doesn’t do anything wrong, not really. At least that is how I perceive that I am viewed. Though my perception may be a little exaggerated, there really are a lot of expectations placed on me. Part of that is my fault because I suffered from the affliction of people pleasing. But part of that is the fault of others. Whether or not my perception is right or wrong, that is how I felt. So when my life fell apart, I felt utterly alone. I felt I had to be strong for everyone around me because they were also hurt and shocked and angry. I’m so used to taking care of everyone else, that I defaulted to that mode and put this huge wall around myself. No one could really help me, and I refused to deal with the pain by myself. Instead, I put on a good face in public, and in private, I fell apart. I felt worthless and unlovable. I hurt so bad that some days it was all I could do to just keep breathing. I tried to numb my pain. For six months I tried to be someone else. I tried to punish God for hurting me so terribly. And I can honestly say that at times, this strategy worked. I had moments of fun and shallow happiness…..but not joy or peace or love. Most of the time though, I allowed myself to be treated terribly and hurt even more. I felt it was what I deserved. I was punishing myself for failing in my marriage. It was stupid. It wasn’t me. And it was definitely not worth all the consequences I endured and still face. But it happened. Thankfully, God had patience with me and only allowed this self torture to go on for six months. At the end of that time, He closed all the doors and started drawing my heart back to Him. Please understand, I didn’t turn away and stop believing in God. I just couldn’t talk to Him. He could have saved my marriage and He didn’t. I didn’t understand why He would allow this to happen. But faithfully and gently, He started piercing my heart with His love again. He found ways through the wall around my heart and asked me to go on the Race. God wanted me to come on the Race because He wanted to teach me to trust Him again. He wanted me to do something that truly was impossible for me to do financially, emotionally, and physically. He wanted to show me that He would provide the money, the strength, and the emotional healing that I needed.
Since being on the Race, God has provided the money. People gave and gave and gave. The money came in so quickly that I was in shock and didn’t know how to respond. Recently God revealed to me that the money was provided out of love. People saw more of my pain than I thought. No one knew what to do to help me or how to express their love and their concern any other way, so they gave money. I realize that I was never alone, and I was a fool for believing I was. I allowed Satan to make me feel isolated and thus prolonged my pain. For that, I am so sorry. I am also so grateful for the love that was lavished upon me by everyone around me. I can see now, how much love and sacrifice was poured into every donation and it means so much to me.
God has also provided physical strength. It’s been hard and I’ve been sore and uncomfortable, but he has helped me. I’ve been able to carry all my gear everywhere I’ve needed to go. I have not gotten blisters, or major injuries, and have managed to loose some weight. God has been so good and faithful in this because it was one of my biggest fears. I also know that I have amazing people praying for me in this area. Again God is showing me that I am not alone and that people love me enough to take time out of the busy lives to pray for my feet and my back and everything else. It’s amazing!
Finally, God is healing me emotionally. It started in El Salvador when God spoke to a fellow racer and told her things about my marriage that I have never told anyone else. No one. She said that God wanted my attention. He said it was time to start dealing with the pain. Slowly, He started pulling the pain out tiny pieces at a time. It really got hard in Romania. There is a precious man on our squad that unfortunately looks so much like my ex it’s scary. My team was paired with his team in Romania and I had to see a reflection of my ex-husband every single day. At night, I was plagued with dreams about my ex, about our divorce, but mainly about the emotional pain that I was going through and not dealing with. I was a wreck! I wanted to tell my team, but I didn’t know how. Finally, here in Africa, God is starting to replace the pain with hope and love. He has given me a new team that I finally feel safe with and can talk to about my pain and process. These amazing women love me and allow me to just cry if I need to. They let me tell them about my dreams and they pray for me all the time. We aren’t perfect, but we are growing and sharing and trusting each other and it is making all the difference. Our name is Amani Warriors. In Swahili, amani mean peace and I have to say, I love it. This team has helped to bring so much peace to my broken soul. Through them, God is bringing me out of the valley of the shadow of death and letting me rest in green pastures by still waters. I’m getting to spend time with my heavenly Father and learning why He allowed me to go through so much pain. It is amazing and humbling all at the same time.
So thank you. Thank you for loving me even when I couldn’t see it. Thank you for praying for me and believing in me. Thank you for sacrificing for me and doing the only things you knew how to do to help me. God has truly used this trip to bring me healing and to teach me to trust Him again. I’m only halfway through, but I’m excited to see what the second half of the journey has in store.
