I can't believe I am on my way to Training Camp! Time has flown by so quickly and God has been so good. I am completely humbled by the amount of people who have surrounded me in prayer, encouragement, and support. So before I talk about me, let me talk about you! Thank you from the bottom of my heart, friends and strangers and family alike. I know that there are many of you who have given even though you were in need. Many of you have taken my needs before God on my behalf. I have been showered in gifts, hugs, tears, and well wishes. I can truly say that every time I doubted, God used one of you to calm my fears and encourage my heart. Thanks to all of you, we are seriously half way to the end goal! All because you were willing to trust God. Please DON'T stop! I feel all the prayers and I will continue to need them.
This past week preparing for camp has been difficult. Very late nights trying to figure out everything that I need and how to get all that in my pack. Then packing and repacking and over packing! I am go from being nervous that I didn't pack everything I need to knowing I have packed way more than I will ever use. Then there's the emotions. I am so excited to meet my new family, but nervous too. Will they like me? Will I stand out like a sore thumb? Will I come across ok? Normally, I don't have trouble with new people, but I am really feeling the shy grade-schooler coming out. All my insecurities are raising their ugly heads and getting in the way of the truth. The truth of knowing that we are the body of Christ and though we will be different, we are all needed. We are ALL needed – even me! I wouldn't be here if God had not sovereignly destined me and my personality for this trip at this time. So worry and fear is pointless. Sure there will be some people I won't completely gel with, but that's what God does. He wants to grow us, to challenge us to be better. To grow, we have to be pruned and that's a good thing. Which leads to my second fear. I know that part of camp is us dealing with our baggage. The stuff in our past that will hinder our work for the Lord this next year. For me, that's scary. I am much better than I have been in a long time, but there are things that I know I have not allowed myself to give to God. I simply don't know how. I trust God with everything, everything but myself. that is so hard to admit, but it's true. Please don't get me wrong…I love the Lord. I know he wants my best, but His best isn't always easy. His way is sometimes full of pain. His way is sometimes confusing. His way sometimes lead us down roads we never thought we would travel. His ways are simply not our ways. God never promised me an easy, happy, perfect life. What He promised was a life with Him. A life where He challenges us and changes us into the very thing He created us to be. Honestly, I know this life of mine is His and has always been His. And honestly, He saved me and doesn't owe me anything on top of that. It's just that I'm scared of the next time I will be pruned I guess.
So I am asking you to pray with me. Pray that God will take down this wall in my heart and help me let Him heal my whole heart, not just a part. Help me pray that I will open up once more to the One Who truly loves me more than anyone in this world. Through the good, bad, and ugly…He loves me. As you pray for me, I will pray for you. Please know that you are loved and God is pursuing your heart as much as He is pursuing mine. As I take this brave step in surrender, take it with me. Let God have all your pain, anger, frustration, and fear. Trust Him. Trust Him to prove Himself in the end, even if it makes no sense now.
